


Serena's Journal

by Rubyliz1981



Category: Berena - Fandom, Bernie Wolfe - Fandom, Holby City, Serena Campbell - Fandom, lesbian - Fandom
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, holby city - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-11-05 04:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 30,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11005674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rubyliz1981/pseuds/Rubyliz1981
Summary: Serena Campbell started writing down notes when she found out she had a secret sister who died and she now has a nephew. She tried to make sense of it all. Realising that it was helping her to jot down her thoughts she carried on with it...It goes on to describe her thoughts and feelings on what happens with Bernie Wolfe and doesn't always follow the storyline.





	1. Chapter 1

**Tuesday**

I had a sister, I can't quite get my head around it... mum kept that secret for decades from me... from everyone. I think I also have a nephew... Jason. There were some flowers on Marjorie's grave with a card from him, he obviously visits the grave often. This is all so much to take in... my whole life would have been different if I had known about this.

How could she not tell me... mum. I can't even ask her about it. Thoughts are swirling round my head. Robbie has been great at helping me with this... it's going ok... our relationship so far...

I want to contact Jason and find out who he is and what he is like. Think perhaps an email may be best... such an important thing to write... it needs to be worded right.

 

**Wednesday**

Robbie found an email address for Jason for me... didn't ask how he did this... he may get into trouble.

Spent this morning writing the email even though work was busy and he must have got it straight away as he then turned up on AAU!!!

He was dressed very smartly and told me that he has Asperger's Syndrome. He is very direct and to the point but seems very sweet. I can't wait to get to know him, it is really thrilling that I have a nephew.

Jason is very honest in his opinions and called people he met today various bird names after what they sound like, strange but quite endearing. He said that his dad left when he was younger so I don't know anymore about that.

He wandered off later today and I couldn't find him... it was very stressful. It was so difficult dealing with getting to know him and working at the same time as the inspector's were in.

I saw Alan, he seems very nice and is very patient with Jason. All in all very big day for me... I really want to get to know Jason...

 

**Thursday**

I went to have a cup of tea with Jason and Alan on my day off. It was so lovely to spend time with Jason. He is more used to me now and even said he liked my lipstick better today... he is really very funny!

I'm trying to find out more about my sister... Marjorie, Jason seems ok answering my questions but after a while he can get upset so I stopped. They live in a nice house... Alan is really very good with him and Jason showed me his bedroom.

He goes to college which he enjoys and spends a lot of time watching his favourite TV shows and being on the computer. It is so lovely getting to know him. He is keen on history so maybe I can take him out soon to somewhere historical... he would like that... so would I.

Elinor called tonight... I haven't told her yet about Jason... not sure where to start or what to say with any of it... I am seeing her theatre production next week though so maybe I will tell her then...

 

**Tuesday**

Major car trouble today, it broke down in the hospital car park... spent ages on the phone to the mechanic who was bloody useless!!

I met the new locum trauma surgeon today... Berenice Wolfe. She seems lovely and we hit it off, think she is around my age so will be really good to get to know her.

Jason showed up as Alan was on the ward as he fell off his bike. There was some confusion over me saying 'break a leg' to Elinor on the phone and he got confused... I must remember that he takes everything so literally!!

We got to Cambridge in the end... I took Jason with me to meet Elinor and it was a lovely moment when they met each other. Elinor was kind to him and the play was actually very good!

Jason stayed with me as Alan was still in hospital... it was challenging but we got there in the end. Jason has so many rules and boundaries... I am learning... slowly...


	2. Chapter 2

**Friday**

Attended the Liver Disease Charity Auction tonight and Sian actually turned up after I invited her earlier in the week, she has plenty of cash after all! She ended up bidding for a date with Raf, this can only end in disaster - she has her eye on him and not just in a fun way! She is utterly shameless and never changes, always has been!

Had a good evening with the gang and we raised plenty! Stayed up drinking very late with Sian as she stayed over, she reassured me she will be gentle with Raf but gave me a wink afterwards, somehow I don't believe her, going to have to warn Raf what he's in for!! Going to be hungover tomorrow just know it.

 

**Saturday  
**

Worked today... Sian came in with me to see Raf to organise their 'date'. She is going to eat him alive!!! Made out she is taking him to the opera... not Raf's thing but it's her choice of date... she did pay for him... oh god... poor Raf!

Busy day all round, Jason called me today on the phone and we had a long chat, it is so nice getting to know him... I hope to see him this weekend.

Had late dinner with Robbie... things going ok... I think...we are both very busy at the moment but he is very nice.

 

**Thursday**

In theatre all day... managed to save two people who nearly lost their lives so all in all... success.

Drinks with AAU gang at Albie's after work even though knackered. Spoke with Elinor on the phone when got home... she should be visiting on Sunday.

Robbie came round late tonight after his shift and stayed over... things going very well at the moment.

 

**Friday**

Staff were taking the piss out of my car park shenanigans this morning... secretly pleased... the scandal!! I am lucky to have Robbie.

Jason showed up on the ward this morning out of the blue. He wanted to stay with me as Alan isn't well. He surprised me on the ward listening carefully to details about a patient who we were then able to help... I am really very fond of him and he also met Robbie today, we all went for drinks and dinner which was really lovely.

I haven't seen Bernie around since we met... was hoping to catch her for a coffee. Maybe I will see her around next week... I hope so.

 

**Sunday**

Robbie had to work this weekend so spent yesterday with Jason just getting to know each other over tea and cake and today Elinor came for Sunday lunch. It was just the two of us so I was able to properly tell her about Robbie and she was asking more about Jason as well.

She feels a bit far away in Cambridge but her studying is going well and of course plenty of parties for her to go to... not surprisingly! She is seeing a lad at the moment called Damian... not serious apparently but she seems happy at the moment, was great to see her.

 

**Tuesday**

Such a busy day... AAU was inundated with patients needing to be treated... Fletch and Morven really stepped up and we eventually got through everyone with extra caffeine!

Saw quite a lot of Bernie Wolfe today... I like her... think we will be good friends. She is the same age I found out and has two adult children in their twenties. She took the job here to make her marriage work but she doesn't seem too happy about it. I would really like to get to know her more... properly. Hopefully we can go for a coffee soon... I must give her my number. I would really like for us to be friends... I have a feeling we will be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Friday**

Morven and Arthur have got engaged.... marvellous! I am so pleased for them both. Drinks at Albie's after work to celebrate... whole gang was there. I saw Bernie and we had a good chat... it is lovely to have a potential new friend, we get on so well... just click. Have heard from the other staff how excellent she is at her job, maybe I can steal her for AAU!!

Late night, fairly tipsy but all in all good. Robbie was annoyed that I wanted to go to Albie's with just colleagues, will have to make it up to him.

 

**Monday**

Had a complete crisis with Alan and Jason today... Jason was skyping me in the office when Alan fell ill in the background, Jason was very stressed and luckily we got Alan to hospital quickly. He had a TIA at first and then suffered an unfortunate stroke, he won't be able to care for Jason for a long time... if ever again depending on his recovery...

Jason had a meltdown and I found him in the Peace Garden... he gets extremely stressed and frightened, Henrik stepped in for me luckily at the right moment and managed to calm him down, was extremely grateful!

Jason will be staying with me for a while...six weeks... I am looking forward to it... challenging but will be worth it to spend more time with him. Not sure what I have let myself in for... I do think the world of him though and need to do this for him.

Popped in to the award ceremony and AAU actually won the award for outstanding patient care... was chuffed and surprised. It felt damn good to be honest!

No drinks tonight after work... sorted out the spare room for Jason to stay... lots to do but will be worth it... I am excited at him coming to live here with me. Called Robbie but he was out... I think he is getting sick of me cancelling on him at the moment there is just so much going on and other priorities.

 

**Wednesday**

Settled Jason in tonight after work. He gave me a detailed list of his likes and dislikes along with his schedule. It all seems very... rigid! I will have to try my best! He understands my work patterns and had given him my rota for the next 2 months. He says he is fine on his own if I need to work late as long as he knows where I am and what time I will be back.

I will need to brush up on my cooking as Jason is used to wonderful cooking from Alan! We have set his bedroom up how he likes it and he seems happy.

He likes to watch particular TV shows in the evenings which is fine with me. I called Robbie but he was working late... I am not totally sure if this is still working and he didn't ask after Jason even though I had said he was coming to stay today.

Got a brief text... quite formal half an hour ago saying we could meet up at the weekend if I have time?! Not sure what to think... it is getting a bit like hard work.

Jason was very sweet before he went up to bed... he made me a camomile tea just how I like it and gave me a hug thanking me for letting him stay, melted my heart.

 

**Saturday**

Left Jason to sleep in and worked until lunchtime. I bumped into Bernie in Pulses and she bought me a coffee. I gave her my number and she seemed pleased. We agreed to go for a drink after work early next week depending on when we both finish... either Monday or Tuesday... looking forward to it.

Robbie called but didn't feel like seeing him today, put him off until tomorrow. I wanted to spend the rest of the day with Jason... he wanted to go to Ikea to get some bits for his room while he is staying and also wanted me to help him with his college work... was completely happy doing that.

Spent a lovely evening with Jason watching a film, we even made popcorn! I am slowly getting used to his little ways and he seems to be coping ok with my ways. It is so lovely to have him here.


	4. Chapter 4

**Monday**

Easier day on AAU, no major emergencies! Went for a drink with Bernie after work, I find her so interesting, she was telling me all about her life in the army... fascinating, she has travelled all over and has loads of stories to tell. My life seems quite dull in comparison although she wanted to hear all about Harvard and the states.

We chat effortlessly, feels like I have known her a long time. Found myself telling her all about Edward and Robbie. She makes me feel listened to... she is charming.

Had a really great evening and we only left when we were practically chucked out of Albie's. Late home... sent Robbie a text but didn't get a reply... not having a good feeling about us.

 

**Wednesday**

Challenging day all round and Jason got into a situation with a 'girlfriend' who was completely using him. He could have got into so much trouble but kindly Robbie had a firm chat with him. I hope he is aware of what almost happened and the trouble he could have got into with the police!

Had to treat his 'friend' on AAU, her leg looked a mess. I disliked her, didn't trust her... difficult with Jason being smitten though... well, he was at the start of the day!

Think he may have seen the light now though, I found him at Alan's house sitting outside looking lost. He looked vulnerable and my heart went out to him. He showed me his room where he is staying and I felt truly awful. He needs me and I need him too... just realising how attached I have got to him.

He is moving in permanently... I feel good about it... it will be challenging but I am willing to do this for him and for me... it's what I want.

Not sure where this leaves me and Robbie... think I have ruined things and seems that I have chosen Jason... I may have hurt Robbie's feelings... Jason needs me and I am willing to put him first. Kind of a sad day...

Saw Bernie in Albie's, she looked troubled and was drinking whiskey... she had to go home to sort something out... perhaps I will text her, hope she is ok.

 

**Friday**

Jason is settling into the spare room... his room now. He liked it when he stayed before and we are making it more cosy for him and I have ordered Sky Sports as requested!

Robbie text yesterday to say we should cool things off... not a bit surprised... maybe my heart wasn't truly in it even though he is a nice man and we had a good time while it lasted... it was never going to be true love though... still feel disappointed...

Bernie is having a crisis with her and Marcus splitting up. I have had several coffee's with her over the last two days while she chatted and I listened... I have been there after all. Not sure my advice is any good but wanted her to know she has my support. She likes it on Keller work wise but hoping to get her for AAU if an opportunity presents itself!

Work busy... everyone stepped up and we got through all cases... three theatre sessions but all in all good.

 

**Sunday**

Went to the zoo with Jason... was such a good day... really enjoyed just spending time with him and he said it was the best day he could remember having for years. He said he loves me today which kind of blew me away... he just came out with it when we were looking at the reptiles! He said I am very kind to have him to live with me and that he loves me. Didn't know quite what to say... was shocked as he is not often open with his emotions.

Bernie came round for tea tonight as she is having a rough time and thought it would be nice to invite her. Jason was visiting Alan so good opportunity to chat. She is staying at a hotel and seems quite lost even though she made the decision to end things with Marcus. She looked more relaxed with a glass of wine in her hand and half laying on the sofa. She feels she is a failure and a disappointment... was difficult to hear when I think she is lovely! Hope I was a support to her... so glad she is becoming a close friend...


	5. Chapter 5

**Tuesday**

Short staffed today as Raf off sick so managed to get Bernie helping out. She had a crisis again though just as she had walked onto the ward when her divorce papers were served to her - very embarrassing, she looked humiliated. We had a chat in the office... she seemed angry with Marcus, hoped I made her feel a little better. It was lovely working together, we work really well as a team especially in theatre... it's effortless, really unusual for me to feel that with someone when operating.

Took her for a drink after work, I feel really relaxed around her, it is so lovely to have a new friend. Had to let Jason know I was going to be late which he was a little cross at but he managed to get himself something to eat as he couldn't wait for me!

I will have to make sure I don't mess him about too much or change my plans frequently... it makes him upset but I have explained that I like to often go for a drink with colleagues after work.

He wasn't too cross when I got in as he made me a cup of tea and said he had missed me this evening. He can be very sweet... we are still finding our feet living together though! It is taking some getting used to!

 

**Thursday**

Work hectic today and was late leaving, Jason was visiting Alan so I picked him up on the way back home. He seems happy at college and says he loves living with me... very kind of him, I know I am fairly set in my ways after living alone for a while.

Still not heard from Robbie... don't think I will and I am not contacting him. It is over in my eyes... Jason comes first.

We watched TV tonight together, he has some very specific interests! I don't mind though... he lets me watch something if I really want to and then he reads magazines which he says help relax him. His mum used to get them for him from work and I think it helps him feel close to her as well.

Bernie text tonight... she is still staying at the hotel and I think she was feeling a bit upset. I called her and we ended up chatting for ages. I am so pleased she came to work at Holby, we have an effortless friendship which seems to be getting really close... feels lovely.

 

**Saturday**

Day off at last after busy week... caught up with chores... Jason is keen to help which is a blessing!

Spent the afternoon having coffee with Bernie in town. I asked her if she fancied it and she did so we met up. I find her endearing and totally sweet even though she would hate me saying that. She likes to have a tough bravado image but deep down she is vulnerable and needs looking after! She is always very generous though I have noticed, always offering to buy the drinks, cakes, whatever we are having... it's lovely and refreshing but not necessary.

She came back for tea after I insisted as Jason was at his youth group. He goes every other weekend for one of the evening's depending on what activities they are doing. Means he gets to spend time with other adults who have Asperger's, great idea if you ask me and I encourage him to go even though he wanted to stay in... it's important he mixes with other young people and not just an oldie like me.

Bernie insisted on going home around 8pm as she said she had taken up enough of my day and I must be getting sick of her. I made sure she knew that wasn't the case at all so she stayed for another hour... I love her company and stories about her life. I hope she doesn't find me dull in comparison, I really want her to like me...


	6. Chapter 6

**Tuesday**

Really don't know where to start, now on my third glass of Shiraz and luckily Jason is out tonight as my head is all over the place...

I need to make sense of what happened today when it became clear that Bernie has lied to me... well not lied as such but left out important bits of information regarding her divorce and kept it from me. I thought we were becoming close and I feel a bit stupid for thinking that.

I am not sure why she didn't tell me but it hurt. I would have been supportive and wouldn't have judged her. I don't give a toss about her sexuality, it just hurts that she didn't trust me with that part of her and what had happened.

Just had a text from her but don't want to reply... yet... feel hurt. She has written... 'Serena, please forgive me for not saying anything before now, I didn't know how to bring it up it wasn't that I deliberately kept it from you. I wanted you to like me as a friend and I wasn't sure how you would react if you knew the truth. Again, I am really sorry and hope we can still be friends, I value your friendship, Bernie x'.

What do I say back to that...???!! That you have hurt me by not trusting me??

More Shiraz is called for...

 

**Wednesday**

Exhausted from trying to steer clear of Bernie. Luckily she has been back on Keller so not too awkward just felt nervous in Pulses and in the lift oh and also the car park in case I ran into her. I saw her briefly get into the lift when I was queueing for my coffee... she looked sad and tired.

Maybe I should have text her back but didn't know what to say and I also want her to know that I am hurt.

Went for a drink with Raf tonight, was good to chat to him. He asked if it was true about Bernie because he knows we are friends but had to say (and felt humiliated) that I didn't know but guessed so.

Got home on time to eat with Jason and he was trying to teach me how to play one of his computer games but my mind wasn't on it - couldn't get Bernie out of my head... So she had an affair with a woman in the army? Wow... not sure what to think about that. I guess i'm not that surprised thinking about it... about her sexuality... not sure why. I still want us to be close friends, it's not an issue with me just the fact that she kept something back from me when I thought we were sharing our experiences.

Had to text her before bed... was feeling awful thinking about her looking so sad this morning. Sent... 'Bernie, of course we are friends, I care about you and just hurt that you didn't trust me that's all. If you would like to get lunch tomorrow come and find me around 1pm, hope you are ok, Serena x'.

Had a relaxing bath and got a reply back... 'Would love that, thank you, so glad you still want to be my friend, it wasn't that I didn't want to trust you... I didn't know how to bring it up and care what you think of me, i'm sorry, i'm an idiot, my treat for lunch tomorrow, B x'.

Made me smile... her words, text her back in bed... 'You can trust me, I want you to. Thank you, see you lunchtime tomorrow, S x'.

 

**Thursday**

In theatre all morning so was late to meet Bernie but she hung on for me. Was really good to sit and chat, she understands how it would have looked to me regarding her keeping quiet and then me finding out the way I did. She apologised again and bought me lunch.

She didn't mention anything about the woman and I was dying to ask her about it and what happened... is that weird? Guess I am curious...

Quieter afternoon and actually left on time to pick up Jason from visiting Alan. He seems to be feeling better and Jason is happier, he does care about Alan a lot.

We watched TV together this evening and it was lovely. Had a text from Bernie thanking me for being a good friend and inviting me for a drink on Saturday night... that will be nice... looking forward to it...


	7. Chapter 7

**Sunday**

Lay on the sofa still in my pyjamas... sore head and Jason is sat on the sofa opposite giving me strange looks. Yes I have a hangover... it's Bernie's fault I drank too much last night... we did some shots and then I was on the Shiraz. Late night but it cleared the air and tension.

We had a great evening... just the two of us in Albie's although we did see Essie and Sacha. Bernie looked really beautiful... she looks really different out of hospital scrubs and dressed up. I was dying to ask her about the woman she had an affair with but didn't have the courage to bring it up... I will soon... I want to know what happened!!!

Ended up telling her about Robbie and what happened at the end... also more about Edward and our disastrous marriage! She is a great listener... thoughtful... don't find that very often where someone wants to listen to me intensely... it feels lovely.

Jason has now left the lounge to read upstairs... he asked why I had a hangover and when I explained the drinking from last night he smirked and looked like a smug parent!

Going to spend the rest of the day lazing around... busy week ahead. Just had a text from Bernie asking how my head is with a smiley face... the cheek! Ok... she knows I will have a hangover... unlike her it seems who has spent the morning in the gym she tells me!!

 

**Tuesday**

Awful day... suspended!!! Me... Serena Campbell!! My own fault for leaving the bloody laptop in the car which was broken in to... all patient details and reports on there... could cry... actually I am a little.

Not in until next Monday now while Henrik investigates. Feel so annoyed... frustrated and disappointed in myself and feel humiliated.

Also humiliated that Bernie won a bloody arm wrestle between us today over Mr Bliss and his stuck tap. It was only meant to be a bit of fun but she let me win and I didn't realise until I couldn't actually pull the god damn tap out myself and she had to step in and rescue the situation like she seems to do... mop up my messes. Beyond embarrassing and now I don't know how to feel about any of it... work... her... especially her...

Jason was at least comforting when I told him what happened with the laptop and also now need to get the car fixed!! Arghhh!

Need plenty of Shiraz this evening and a long hot soak...

 

**Thursday**

Eventually got car fixed... cost a fortune but didn't have the energy to shop around for quotes. Jason out so had the house to myself and caught up on chores.

Got a call from Bernie about AAU business she wanted to check with me... she also asked how I was. She is very sweet sometimes when she isn't trying to save the day for me. She really doesn't need to do that... I still feel humiliated over the arm wrestling... stupid I know... it was me who offered to take her on... thought it would be fun.

We talked for nearly an hour in the end and she is going to come round tomorrow evening for dinner when Jason is out. I like her company and realise I'm being totally ridiculous!!! She doesn't care about the stupid arm wrestle, she said she just wanted to make my day better at the time - very cute!

 

**Saturday**

No hangover for me this weekend, made sure I only had one glass with Bernie last night. It was lovely... we talked and talked... it is so nice to have deep conversations and find out more about her. I actually felt brave and found out about her relationship with Alex that broke up her marriage... well it made her realise what she wants... she told me she thinks of herself as gay now after I got it out of her which was interesting to hear... she makes me curious... I find her interesting and she looked beautiful last night.

I found out more about her life in the army... what a life... I can imagine her being in her element and being all masterful and in charge... quite sexy actually.

AAU has been running ok without me.... she has been covering on there and commented on how nice the team is... they are... maybe I can get her on AAU permanently some how will have to have a think how...

 

**Sunday**

Elinor came for lunch... it was great to see her and have lunch together with Jason. We spent the afternoon in the garden chatting as it was sunny. Everything is going well for her and she is auditioning this week for the main role in the upcoming musical! Fingers crossed for her!

Called Bernie tonight... not sure why really just felt like a chat and I knew she was at home all day today... we talked for ages and she said she is looking forward to having me back tomorrow which was sweet... I need to get in Henrik's good books starting tomorrow morning... will take him for a coffee and apologise again. Slightly nervous going back...


	8. Chapter 8

**Monday**

Can't believe that Henrik asked Bernie to oversee AAU even though I was back to work today. I was a bit harsh with her when it was Henrik I was mad at.

It was really good to have Bernie watching my back, her gift was really thoughtful and I was thrilled when Henrik agreed to Bernie co-leading AAU with me. Means I can share the responsibility and workload now as I have Jason to think about as well. She seemed really pleased to be asked and means we will be working closely together everyday from now on!

Jason really exasperated as the TV harddrive has broken. Need to get it fixed tomorrow... Jason can't live without his shows and was distressed as he didn't know what to do!

Went for drinks after work with Bernie, Raf and Fletch... think the lads had some sort of bet on with Bernie and I... not sure what and they said 'no one won'... mmm... wonder what that was all about!!

 

**Tuesday**

First day sharing the ward with Bernie... we work quite differently but it really works! It is so lovely to have the pressure taken off and be able to share my usual workload. She is great to work with and I trust her. I hope she trusts me...

Went for lunch together as it was her first day as an official AAU consultant. She is moving into a new flat tomorrow so I have offered to help her... she said it was ok but I want to help...

Long afternoon, thought it would never end. Jason wanted fish and chips for tea and managed to get the TV fixed so he was extremely happy tonight!

Elinor called tonight, her audition went well... she will find out next week if she has the main part or another part... fingers crossed for her.

 

**Thursday**

Work quieter today and helped Bernie move tonight... her new flat wasn't ready yesterday in the end so we moved everything after work. It is nice... light and spacious, bit bare at the moment but said I will help her make it more cosy. She is used to small spaces and not many possessions from her army days so wanted some guidance. Said I will take her shopping at the weekend which will be nice.

Jason at Alan's tonight so didn't have to worry about getting back. We ordered some pizza's when we had finished unloading our cars and collapsed on the sofa. I'm sure it will look really lovely when it is all finished.

 

**Sunday**

Spent today with Bernie shopping and making her flat feel more like home. She was so grateful and got me some wine to say thank you... very sweet.

It looks really lovely now with cushions, new bedding and towels. We got some plants and bits for her kitchen... she wanted my advice which felt nice. I think I will be spending some time there as she has a large spare room and her bedroom has an en suite. Main bathroom is nice and her lounge/kitchen is open plan but very modern.

It felt very relaxing to help her shop and make the flat nice... I like her a lot and was actually reluctant to go home but knew I had to get back for Jason. Will see her at work tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

**Tuesday**

I need to write down these thoughts that are going round my head to make sense of it... I think I like Bernie... more than like her... as in attracted to her.

I don't know where this has come from I just know that I can't get her out of my head. I realised I am jealous of the woman she had an affair with... this was realised today in the office when I was feeling various points on her spine to see if I could help with her back pain. I felt something... electricity... when I was touching her and I don't know if she felt something too as she went really quiet.

Would she find me attractive... I don't know... sometimes I think she might... the way she smiles at me or watches me on the wards... I can feel her eyes on me.

She is so patient and encouraging with Jason... she was trying to help him today and I was thinking she didn't understand his limitations but she was just trying to help him... she is so lovely.

I don't know what to do about these 'feelings'. It doesn't feel like when I have liked a man it feels more intense and deep... i'm so scared of how I feel... don't know what to do...

 

**Thursday**

Jason wants to come back into the hospital... will try and find something for him to do to keep him busy... he is a bright lad and I need to think of what he can do now he has finished college. He said today how much he likes Bernie... I still don't know what to think about how I feel. Had a dream last night where she kissed me and then I woke up... very infuriating as the minute her lips brushed mine in the dream I woke...

I think I was staring at her a bit too much today. I think she is beautiful and so fantastic at her job... slightly in awe. I know some of the patients fancy her as Raf said numerous people had asked if she was single.... jealousy again from me. Where is this coming from?

I don't know what to do... I know I flirt a lot but this would have meaning and intent behind it which would seem too real and don't want to make a fool of myself... she could have anyone she wanted.

Keep thinking about the fact she is a woman and where this has all come from but I have reached the conclusion that I like... am attracted to her as a person... Bernie... it doesn't matter about gender really although I am quite shocked that I feel like this.

Keep thinking if I have liked a woman before and I can't honestly answer the question...

All I know is that I can't get her out of my head and I want to look after her, protect her... she is sometimes so vulnerable and I want to make her feel safe.

Serena what are you doing.......

 

**Saturday**

I think Bernie knows something is up... not sure but she text this morning asking if I was ok as I hadn't seemed 'myself' this week. I left replying until I had thought about what I wanted to say back. After a long hot shower I tested things a little, replied with... 'I am ok... yes... would you like to go out with me for lunch tomorrow? Love Serena x'.

She replied with... 'Absolutely! Glad you are ok... was getting a bit worried, you can always talk to me you know. Pick you up 1pm tomorrow :) B x'.

Now I feel excited and nervous all rolled into one. Perhaps she won't have picked up the fact that I was asking her out.... as more than a friend but nevermind... just want to spend time with her.

Now what to wear...

 

**Sunday**

Oh god... I am getting in deep here... with how I feel. I wanted to kiss Bernie when she dropped me home after lunch. It was a lovely few hours together and I did ask her in for a coffee but she said... and I quote 'I hadn't better Serena' and she looked a little sad. I should have asked what she meant by that but just gave her a smile and nodded.

I remember staring at her lips today and wanting her to kiss me. I think I flirted a little but I am also cautious about not making myself look like a complete idiot!!

Just because she likes women does not necessarily mean she would be attracted to me. I have to try and feel in control here try not to think of her as more than a colleague and close friend.

Jason was in when I got back and said I seemed very happy. I was... I am... it felt like a date today and I just love spending time with her. I have realised that if she did kiss me at any point I would like to take things further with her...

It excites and terrifies me at the same time but nothing worth it is ever easy and I have a feeling she would be worth it...


	10. Chapter 10

**Tuesday**

Was impressed wth Morven today in the end on the job... she is doing so well and will go far... she cares. It was beyond awful to see her heartbroken when poor Arthur lost his life late this afternoon. Devastating and I feel... empty.

Bernie was upset that our patient died this morning... she needed comforting in the office and when I touched her arm and held it there the electricity was... well... overwhelming. I think she can tell that I am attracted to her, trying hard not to look like a fool but I can't help how I feel around her, she makes my heart come alive and that is truly terrifying. I don't know how much longer I can be around her without losing control...

 

**Thursday**

The whole ward... well whole of the hospital is mourning the loss of Arthur, it is extremely sad.

Had to explain to Jason what had happened and he doesn't really understand how Arthur could have died. He was after all so young and Jason thought he would respond to treatment... if only... poor Morven. Called her at home to check on her and she is completely devastated... understandably. Will go and see her tomorrow and offer my support.

Bernie was really quiet today but a comforting support to me. She knows I thought a lot of him and was there offering coffee's and a listening ear. She is very thoughtful and quiet kindness radiates from her. She isn't a tactile person I have gathered... reserved but she did pull me into a hug at one point and I could feel my heart pounding like crazy... could she feel it?

I am trying to pick up on how she feels about me but she is very guarded and may be holding back because we are becoming such close friends quickly. She may think that I would be uncomfortable with her showing any feelings because of her sexuality... I don't know... I am reading into everything like I always do and searching for any clues that she could perhaps feel the way I do.... it's going to make me crazy...

It is not the right time to be exploring these feelings though. AAU need me... and us to be strong and I want to be there for Morven...

 

**Saturday**

Jason staying with Alan for the weekend so visited Morven this afternoon and she was pleased to see me. She is not coping and I let her cry and listened to her providing hugs and the chocolate cake that I had made. She will get there but will be a long, slow process and I told her she is welcome to stay with me or call at anytime... she seemed very grateful.

Sent a text to Bernie tonight to see if she would like to do something tomorrow... she sent back... 'Lovely :) how about National Trust gardens as will be sunny? Will bring a picnic if you would like me too? B x'.

I am really excited... definitely have butterflies... is this a date? I would like it to be. She is so thoughtful and can be beautifully sweet, a picnic sounds... romantic... I am nervous... no forget that... amazingly terrified!!!

 

**Sunday**

Can't think of anything else tonight except that Bernie held my hand today on the picnic rug... feel like I am sixteen again... it felt... well... incredible. The reason she did that was because I was upset about Arthur and how Morven must be feeling.

She slid her hand into mine and squeezed it gently... softly... before realising what she had done and pulled away sharply... apologising for doing that. I took her hand back to where it was and smiled at her. We sat holding hands for ages then and I fed her some grapes from the picnic she had so kindly put together for us.

Overall gorgeous day... falling hard... for her... help...


	11. Chapter 11

**Wednesday**

Incredibly tough day... Arthur's funeral...so sad. It really affected me, didn't help that most of us were called back to the hospital in the middle of the service as there had been a train crash and were needed. It was complete chaos until Bernie took charge and really made a difference in the amount of patients we were able to care for today... impressive. Told Henrik when I saw him in Pulses of her talents and that we could do with some more funding for a trauma area. He seems on board...

Bernie was really caring throughout today and helped me... supported me. She is so lovely and it is quite difficult for me being close to her at the moment. I know I have feelings for her and it has shaken me to the core of why it is happening and what I am supposed to do? Anything? Nothing? Can I carry on like this?

I just don't know what she thinks of me...

She said that Cameron and Charlotte have written supporting statements for Marcus supporting his case in the divorce... I really feel for her... she doesn't deserve that. She seemed quite upset about it but hopefully a few drinks at the wake helped. It was really so poignant seeing Arthur's family and colleagues all toasting him... he was so young...

 

**Friday**

Work been extremely busy over last few days, Jason has been looking at getting a job and is keen to get one as soon as possible. He has his limitations though so not easy for him and sometimes he forgets this!

Bernie has been really sweet this week, she knows Arthur's death has affected me and she has taken on more than her fair share of the workload and has offered to cook me dinner tomorrow night!

Saturday night having dinner at her place feels like a date! I'm guessing it is just as friends but maybe she does like me a little bit...? I have butterflies...

 

**Sunday**

Horrendous hangover today, drank way too much at Bernie's last night and ended up sleeping in her bed.... she unfortunately said she would take the sofa, I said I didn't mind but she wouldn't hear of it.

Dinner was really lovely and falling asleep in her sheets was... well... I felt all matter of things. I really wanted to go through to her sleeping on the sofa in the lounge and pull her by the hand to bed with me but far too nervous for that. What if she was completely shocked and it ruined everything!!

I did get to see her in a vest and tight shorts as she changed in her bedroom for sleeping. I know I am attracted to her... it is driving me crazy thinking whether she feels anything for me... sometimes I think she might do and then she pulls back from me and I am left wondering why... as well as what is going on?

Jason has looked after me tonight back at home... he can be so lovely.

 

**Tuesday**

Far too warm at work today, was struggling with the heat. Sat with Raf for a while both trying to cool down... he was getting annoyed that Fletch's children all seem to have nits... poor Raf!

He needs a girlfriend... he is so marvellous to those children but doesn't seem to have his own life going on. I do worry about him...

Bernie was off work today... lucky her! She text me this morning to say she was going swimming tonight and did I want to join her? I think I would rather die than her see me in a swimsuit at the moment so politely declined... not because I didn't want to spend time with her because I do... all the time... it's getting too much.

She now has a gym and health club membership so said she could take a guest in for free so that was kind of her to ask me. I'm sure she looks stunning in a swimsuit and well... me... wouldn't be able to get away with wearing my Spanx under it!

Will try and ask her to go for a drink with me at some point this week, maybe ramping up the flirting would work...?


	12. Chapter 12

**Thursday**

Fletch was having a rough day today on the ward and then Mikey showed up! Barely saw Bernie as she was in theatre most of the day... missed her.

Jason still looking for a job, he doesn't know what he wants to do so we had a talk and I tried to get him to lower his expectations without him realising... not too successful as he is a bright lad!

Sent Bernie a text tonight to see how she is as didn't really see her today and she replied with... 'Missed you today Serena, how's Jason finding the job hunting? Hope you are ok too, B x'.

I left it a while before replying but i'm still trying to suss out what she thinks of me so sent back... 'Missed you too, i'm ok thank you, hope I get to see more of you tomorrow. Jason is aiming high with his career aspirations, he may need to be more realistic! Did you go to the gym? S x'.

She replied a while later while I was watching TV with Jason... 'I thought I was getting on your nerves sharing a ward with me but nice to know you want to see more of me :) Yes did go to the gym, you should join me sometime Campbell ;) x'.

Made me smile and after a long relaxing bath typed back... 'In your dreams! No really... it's kind of you to ask me to come to the gym & pool with you sometime, we'll see ;) goodnight Bernie xx'.

She typed straight back... 'Sweetdreams Serena x'.

Her texts give me butterflies, think Jason noticed something was going on with the texting as he kept looking over at me giving me his 'cross' look!

 

**Friday**

Day of our new Trauma Unit opening! Finally... after all that work... so proud of Bernie, it looks fantastic!!!

Day was a strange one and really stressful... Jason had an incident with his 'girlfriend' and she ended up in surgery. He then went missing and Bernie managed to calm me down even though she had her own shitty mess going on with the divorce and she needed to see the lawyer this morning when the unit had just opened! Chaos!!

We took a breather at one point and she was totally there for me... supporting me and encouraging me that the whole thing wasn't my fault, like she always does.

Things got far too much with the workload so have now resigned from being part of the board = freedom and more time to focus on Jason especially with Bernie's help with the running of AAU... she is completely amazing and wish I could help her more with the stuff she has going on herself.

Drinks at Albie's before heading home... god I feel so attracted to Bernie. I am trying to let her know in subtle ways that I am interested in her. We locked eyes in Albie's and my heart was racing madly... god the feeling. I do not want to make a fool of myself... I may not even be her type but we do have something between us... I can feel it.

 

**Sunday**

Invited Bernie round for Sunday lunch with us and it has been a lovely day. She came round at 12pm and seemed to really enjoy my roast. Jason likes her a lot... he chats away with her like he has known her for years and it usually takes him a while to trust someone and feel at ease with them.

He went upstairs after lunch to give us some privacy... he is good like that and we ended up chatting for hours during the afternoon. I really love getting to know her and finding out about her life before Holby. There is so much to catch up on and uncover...

She looked totally beautiful today and I realise I was staring quite a bit... she didn't seem to mind! At one point when she talked about a friend who had died in Afghanistan she got upset and I put my arm round her pulling her against me so her head was resting on my shoulder.

It felt so comfortable and so right... we sat like that for a while and I reached for her hand to offer her comfort. It felt so wonderful and I realise that I am scared about something actually happening... in my head it would all be amazing but of course life isn't always like that and reality is... I am terrified of looking like an inexperienced fool or her laughing at me or saying that I am not her type and we are just good friends.

I feel worried about how I feel and what I want... what does she think of me... really...


	13. Chapter 13

**Tuesday**

Bloody Mindfulness training today with Ric... completely ridiculous and humiliating. Dom said he saw us through the window and proceeded to share his knowledge of how stupid we all looked with the rest of the staff! Beyond mortified!

Morven back today though and Bernie took care of her... she is so lovely and supportive. Morven saved a lady's life with Bernie's encouragement... proud of her... not easy at all to be back here.

Jason at his youth group tonight so could have stress free drinks at Albie's. Morven said she had missed us on AAU, it's good to have her back, we will all support her through this difficult time.

Bernie invited me for dinner tomorrow after work at her place... she said she has got things more sorted now there and we both finish at 5pm so good opportunity - her words!

I feel nervous!!!

 

**Wednesday**

Just got back from Bernie's and it is late. I thought she was going to kiss me tonight... I really did. I am disappointed that it didn't happen. I still have butterflies from what happened... or nearly did happen...

Dinner was really lovely, she had cooked and we sat drinking coffee on her sofa afterwards. Only had the one Shiraz as driving...

We were talking and I must have leaned my head on her shoulder... can't remember what exactly we were chatting about. She stroked my cheek with the back of her hand... really softly and I think I leaned in to it sighing. She kissed my hair and then looked at me really intensely. God it made my heart stop... I know I didn't move away... she did... she got up sharply and offered me another coffee but I felt I should go so said goodnight and thanked her for the lovely meal.

Now I am laying in bed slightly trembling about what nearly happened and how I felt with her hand stroking my cheek... elated, terrified, comforted... why did she kiss my hair? It felt amazing and she would now know that I would not have pulled away with anything she did... oh god perhaps I should text her? Perhaps not... she seemed uncomfortable...

 

**Friday**

Really hectic day at work and Jason has been pestering me to go the cinema with him. He hasn't had any luck with the job hunting so agreed to take him tomorrow evening.

Bernie has been a little distant with me the past few days... she looks like a rabbit caught in headlights most of the time and I have gathered she thinks she may have crossed a line with me the other night. She hasn't of course so need to make her feel better...

We chatted at the end of our shifts as she was heading off straight to the gym and I asked her if she would like to come along to the cinema tomorrow evening. She smiled at me... one of her truly gorgeous smiles and said 'Yes Serena I would love to'.

Butterflies again...

 

**Sunday**

Really enjoyed last night and my heart was racing sitting next to Bernie in the cinema... Jason insisted on her sitting in the middle and holding the popcorn!

We all enjoyed the film but my mind was just focused on Bernie sitting next to me in the dark with her arm on the arm rest so close to me. I wanted to reach over and hold her hand... god I am in deep. Feelings are just getting stronger and when we dropped her home afterwards she thanked us both for a lovely evening and winked at me... actually winked at me! My god...

I wanted to ask her back to ours but Jason was tired and I was feeling too nervous to actually function any longer around her. She makes me feel young and excites me, I find her beautiful and interesting as well as a whole host of other words...

She sent me a text when I was in bed last night after we got back... don't know what to make of it... 'Thank you for a lovely evening Serena, I love the cinema, maybe I can take you again sometime, see you Monday, enjoy your day off tomorrow, B x'.

I replied after re-writing the same damn text about four times... eventually typed...' I would love that Bernie, had a lovely evening too, hope work goes ok tomorrow, call me if you want to, S x'.

There... what will she make of that... she replied an hour later... an HOUR later... with... ' I would like that, call you tomorrow, sweetdreams Serena x'.

Butterflies again!


	14. Chapter 14

**Tuesday**

Such a funny day working with Bernie and trying to figure out what was wrong with 'wifi guy'. It was hilarious... Bernie was adamant there was something actually wrong with him and it turned out that after putting him in a 'wifi free' area he improved drastically. So funny...

The flirting was evident between us today and guilty as charged I was instigating it most of the day to see what her reaction would be... I wasn't disappointed. I could see her looking at me at various points during our shifts and it made me smile.

Managed to secure Jason a job on AAU... god bless Hanssen, he has really stepped up for me and created this position to help me out and to give Jason something to do that is very useful for us. Was nervous with how he would cope but he seemed ok and Bernie supported him too as I knew she would.

Drinks together later and ended up in the middle of bloody traffic light night but made sure Bernie knew I was not up for being approached by anyone... well except her but she is probably still blind to this. I still don't want to make a fool of myself... that is my concern. I am old enough to know better!

She is slowly driving me insane though... the way she looks at me and when I feel her arm brush against mine... my god... the feelings...

 

**Thursday**

Jason has settled into his new role and is becoming more independent throughout each day although I know Bernie is looking out for him and that is a comfort.

Was in theatre most of the day so tired out tonight... too tired for drinks but Bernie and I are going out for a meal tomorrow evening after work so that will be lovely. Is it a date...? too afraid to ask!!

She said (and I quote...) 'Would you like to go for a bite to eat after work tomorrow night?" thinking about it more and that doesn't sound like a date does it... oh well... at least she wants to spend time with me outside work and she really doesn't have to.

Think I will buy a new top... want to feel nice and want her to know that I have made an effort...

 

**Saturday**

Oh god.. it is Saturday afternoon and Bernie has just gone home.

She ended up staying here as we got a taxi to the restaurant so we could both have a drink. We ended up quite tipsy... well ok... I was drunk... that's the only word for it.

We stayed up drinking more when we got back and because her back was hurting she slept in my bed after we argued for probably half an hour over it as she kept saying she would sleep on the sofa.

What happened was that we fell asleep on my bed on top of the covers in the clothes we went out in... totally unglamourous!! She saw me with mascara smeared under my eyes and lipstick all over my pillow and now feel completely embarrassed.

I am guessing she slept right over near her edge of the bed as I subconsciously moved towards the middle in the night and she was no where near me... bit gutted but we did sleep on the same bed... actually grinning now!

I made her a strong coffee this morning and we chatted quietly as both have hangovers. She said she was going home and back to bed. I said she was welcome to sleep here but she just blushed and said she should be going.

Jason being very loud this afternoon, he thinks it is funny that I have a hangover... it's not funny... at all. Wish I had looked more lovely sharing a bed with Bernie for the first time... now she will think I am completely unattractive! great!

Did get a text from her late tonight though, it said... 'Thank you for a fantastic evening yesterday Serena, hope your head is feeling better ;) B x'.

Typed back... 'Head is still sore, I blame you for allowing me to drink that last bottle! Had a great evening too, you could have stayed here you know ;) see you tomorrow, sleep well, S x'.

Took some deep breaths anticipating her reply... was my message too flirty? She sent a text back ten minutes later with... ' I needed to freshen up that's why I left, plus you had probably had enough of me! Sweetdreams, see you tomorrow, love Bernie x'.

Think I will be dreaming of her again tonight... ok... I know I will...


	15. Chapter 15

**Tuesday**

Ok this ridiculous crush on Bernie has to stop right now... what the hell have I been thinking... she lied to me again today... again... and I hate liars!!!

I really thought we were getting close and then she had to go and lie to me. Feeling all sorts of things tonight and none of it good. She obviously doesn't trust me... she did apologise but it hurt today... the way she treated me.

Going slightly crazy tonight... Jason is wondering what the hell is wrong with me. That woman sends me insane in both good and bad ways!

And she always has to look bloody gorgeous as well... infuriating!!

Maybe overdoing it slightly on the Shiraz tonight and Jason is giving me 'cross' looks'... oh well... need to feel numb!

Just got a text from Bernie now apologising again... urrr... not replying back tonight, had enough for today!!

 

**Wednesday**

Jason is enjoying his new job on AAU... so proud of him, he is taking it very seriously and turns up looking so smart.

Busy day overall... Bernie left me two coffee's as 'peace offerings' on my desk... one first thing and one after lunch. She knows I am thawing... can't help but smile at her when she gives me those adorable shy little smiles from under her unruly fringe!

Thanked her eventually and agreed to go with her for a drink tomorrow after work. She seemed so relieved and I haven't the heart to make her 'suffer' any longer... she is still worried about Cameron.

Jason at youth group again tonight... he seems to have made a few friends which is lovely. Elinor called for a chat... she had an assignment back and got full marks... proud of her... she was going out drinking later to celebrate, will see her for lunch on Sunday... looking forward to it.

 

**Thursday**

Bernie definitely needed a drink tonight... Evie Fletcher was bought onto AAU today and she ended up doing the operation as I was tied up with Hanssen. I did see Evie briefly... Bernie worked her magic in theatre and she will be absolutely fine.

Bernie looked totally exhausted when she got to Albie's. She actually welled up at one point and I thought she may cry a little but being the sort she is she managed to hold it together. She still seemed cautious around me after the whole Cameron incident but I said it was forgiven and forgotten and she gave me one of her beautiful smiles that just made me melt inside...

Why do I still find her so bloody irresistible? I should still (by rights!) be mad at her but forgiveness comes easily when it is Bernie Wolfe... I can never hold a grudge with her!

I initiated holding her hand under the table in the corner we were sat in when she looked upset. She just gave me a look as if to say 'What are you doing Serena?' but I just held her gaze and squeezed her hand tightly. I felt like my heart would stop any second, especially when she gave me another gorgeous smile... melted again.

 

**Sunday**

Elinor came for lunch and was lovely to see her. Jason was telling her all about his new job and Elinor was talking about her play and the holiday she is planning with three of her friends shortly. She seems to be enjoying uni life and is doing well.

Bernie text this afternoon to see if I wanted to go to the health club this evening or the pool. She is persistent on this! I'm not sure why she wants me to go but it is nice that she asks me as she can take a guest for free and the facilities are apparently lovely. I did actually think about it but still far too nervous.

Will have to go on a diet before going to the health club and stripping down to a swimsuit... would really like to go with her though... will think about it.

Sent her a text back... 'Thank you for the kind offer... would love to sometime soon just not tonight if you don't mind, see you tomorrow, hope you've had a good weekend? Love Serena x'.

She texted back... 'Weekend ok thanks, not done much, have missed you. No pressure on joining me swimming or at the gym, just if you ever fancy it you can come as my guest for free. See you tomorrow, hope you had a nice lunch with Elinor xx'.

Now have butterflies again... she has missed me this weekend...


	16. Chapter 16

**Tuesday**

Still at home and not gone away with Elinor after all that. She cancelled and I am so disappointed, just wanted to spend time together.

Felt good about helping Evie today though, she's a lovely girl and wants to be a surgeon... girl after my own heart. She seemed down about being in hospital and her home situation so we had a little chat, hope I can be there for her from now on... we seem to have a bond.

Jason was so pleased I have not gone on holiday, I was looking forward to the break though... will think about booking something else soon.

Rang Bernie tonight to keep her posted on Evie, she was surprised to hear from me obviously because I should have been in Italy!! We chatted for ages and she was sorry I wasn't going on the trip for my sake.

It was so good to hear her voice after the day i'd had... I realised tonight how sexy her voice is... it completely captures my heart... there I go again... must stop thinking about her like that... it won't do any good.

 

**Thursday**

Lazy day in the garden with Shiraz and books. I kept thinking that I should be being pampered in a luxury spa right now but actually when I think about it I would rather see Bernie... I'm missing her. She is keeping AAU running on my week off and when it got to 4pm I finally caved in and sent her a text inviting her round for dinner tomorrow night as Jason is out.

She typed back later with... 'Would love to thank you, hope you are relaxing on your break from work, everything on AAU fine, missing you though! What time tomorrow? :) xx'.

We ended up texting for a while tonight... still sat in the garden... it's been a warm day and Jason has joined me now. Texted back... 'Come round straight from work if you like, definitely relaxing thanks but missing you too, see you tomorrow ;) S xx'.

Perhaps that was a little flirty as haven't had a reply... worried now...

 

**Saturday**

Now Saturday evening and I feel... well... I don't know what I feel. Bernie stayed over last night... surprise surprise after we drank quite a bit and stayed up until 4.30am... yes 4.30am!!! We were just drinking and chatting sharing stories about our lives. Luckily Jason was at Alan's otherwise he would not have been best pleased!!

And yes she ended up sleeping in my bed... this time we were both under the covers. Would not let her sleep on the sofa because of her back and told her I would be lonely if she slept in the guest bedroom... don't know how much more forward I can be!!!

Guess we can both blame the consumption of wine but when I woke up this morning her bare leg was over mine as she just slept in one of my t-shirts and I seemed to have just pulled on my pyjama top but not the bottoms... kind of embarrassing...

I was aware of her sitting up in bed and sighing loudly and could feel her eyes on me. Kept my eyes shut as I heard her go into the en suite and then when she came back into the room and got back under the covers I could feel her snuggle up to me and stroke my hair softly... my god... I don't think I will ever forget that feeling.

It would have been the easiest thing in the world to turn over and kiss her. Kind of froze with what she was doing though... because I wanted it so much and it was becoming real so kept my eyes shut while she was pressed against my back. I must have dropped off again as the next thing I realised was that the sun was streaming in through the window and I could hear the sound of the water running in the shower.

Sat up then and waited for her to come out... I was trembling. She smiled at me when she came into the bedroom in just her towel (my god!!!!!) and asked how I was feeling. I remember pulling the sheets up around me and smiling back. She turned her back to me to put her bra on... couldn't stop staring and when she was dressed she climbed back onto the bed and leant in close to me. My heart stopped I swear.....

She tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek. She said she had really enjoyed last night and she had better be going so I could enjoy the rest of the day. I remember grabbing her wrist and asking her to stay... I didn't want her to leave... leave me...

She beamed and got back under the covers and lay watching my face. Jason disturbed us by vacuuming the landing and Bernie was giggling not very quietly... she kept saying that he shouldn't know that she stayed in my room. I must have given her a look because she said... "He'll think there's something going on with us...". I don't remember what I said to that but I do remember going downstairs to make us coffee and telling Jason that Bernie stayed over. He just smiled and nodded saying he was going in the garden.

My head is all over the place tonight... I just feel terrified that something could have happened and that I want it to so much. Once we cross that line there would be no going back and what would become of our friendship... it means so much to me...


	17. Chapter 17

**Tuesday**

Ok... ok I have to write down what has happened... I feel all over the place and Jason thinks I have a headache so have come to bed early. Today... this afternoon... Bernie kissed me... it was incredible... I kissed her back too and can honestly say it has shaken up my world. It was the best kiss ever... completely passionate and everything I hoped or thought it would be when I had pictured it.

The whole day I felt we were building towards kissing but again was terrified. I would never have instigated it... well I don't think I would... depended how long we kept dancing around each other I guess.

Kissing her was completely amazing and it just happened... one minute she was looking upset and we were both drained from the whole situation of Fletch being injured but then before I could realise what was happening... Bernie's lips were on mine and we were really going for it... we didn't even check if we were alone or that anyone could potentially see, it was a moment when we were both just swept up in each other. It lasted a while... before there was a knock at the door and I got up abruptly and went to the door without looking at Bernie. It was Jason waiting to go home and I remember looking back over to Bernie and saying that I had to go...

She nodded but smiled at me as I shut the door to the theatre behind me and followed Jason back to the office to collect my things. He was anxious to know how Fletch was as he had heard about what had happened. I checked briefly with Morven for an update and he was presently stable so Jason and I left to go home.

Jason said in the car that my face was flushed... yes well... I had just been up to what i'd been up to!!! Didn't feel like much dinner so just made Jason a chicken salad and jacket potato and now laying in bed the whole kiss going round my head... over and over... wondering if I should text Bernie... guessing we need to talk...

It's now two hours later and still not had the courage to text her as I honestly don't know what to say.

Half an hour later and just had a text from her... 'Are you ok? B x'.

Just typed back... 'I'm just thinking over what happened... can't get it out of my head... it was amazing Bernie. Are you ok? S xx'.

Can't fall asleep until I have a reply from her, it is now 12.30am! Jason just knocked on my door to check on me which was sweet of him and only finally now at 12.45am have I got a reply from Bernie... 'It was amazing... can't stop grinning, i'm off tomorrow but can we talk at some point? B x'.

Must have fallen asleep as I don't remember replying...

 

**Wednesday**

Work very hectic today on the ward... couldn't get focused at all, every time I tried... Bernie and kissing her flashed into my mind. Raf and Morven could tell something was up but didn't press me on it... just extra smiles and support which felt nice. I missed seeing Bernie but guessing some space was what I needed... and she needed in all honesty.

I sent her a text at 4pm... 'Are you busy? Can I call you to talk or would later be better? S xx'.

Had a quick sit down and a coffee waiting for her reply. Jason came in to the office ready to go home but he knew I was working until later tonight so he just wanted to see if I was feeling better than yesterday... sweet boy.

Got a text back from Bernie saying she is meeting Cam for a drink tonight so I could call now. Here goes...

We chatted for a bit mainly checking that each other were ok about what happened... we both are... and where we go from here. Bernie said she was surprised I had kissed her back and she thought she had majorly screwed everything up by kissing me but I reassured her that she hadn't and whatever is going on between us isn't one sided.

She went all quiet and shy and I said I was missing her and could we meet up over the weekend. She said... 'Like a date? or as friends?...'. No question in my mind I replied... 'A date... if you want to....' she laughed and said... 'You should know I want to Serena i'm just conscious of how you feel and I don't want you to be uncomfortable'. I said I wasn't and could I see her tomorrow night... she could choose where and the time etc.

She seemed really shy with me whilst we chatted and before we hung up and I said I hoped she had a nice evening with Cam, she said... 'Serena... I have wanted to kiss you for such a long time... I am so so thankful it wasn't a mistake to you'. I reassured her it wasn't and she said she would text me the details of our date in the morning...

Major butterflies...


	18. Chapter 18

**Friday**

Bernie has been off work so haven't actually seen her yet since we kissed. We have texted a lot though and we finally arranged for our first date to be tomorrow. She wants to take me for a picnic as the weather is going to be hot and sunny. I am feeling excited and nervous at the same time. Asked her what I should bring and she said... 'Just your gorgeous self Serena...' have to admit my heart melted at that. She said she wants to spoil me and will pick me up at 11am in the morning. Slightly terrified...

AAU quiet today... lucky with Bernie off... she had some leave as I worked out she had done 30 hours extra over the last two months! Crazy! Jason is coming shopping with me later... I feel like I want some new things for this weekend... i'm not sure whether we will spend any time on Sunday together... Bernie & I or what will happen tomorrow... need to feel my best.

Jason was so impatient with me tonight... he left me in the end in Marks & Spencers while he went to have a drink and sit down in Burger King. I wanted some new make up and underwear... wishful thinking... or just want to feel nice and attractive in case....

Now got major butterflies and since got home Bernie has sent me a text checking on what food I would like for our picnic... she is so sweet... she must be shopping and wants to get things right... so nervous!!

 

**Saturday**

Today was completely wonderful and the best date I have ever been on... Bernie... she is amazing and i'm falling hard for her. She had gone to so much effort with the picnic and was too adorable for words. We were both so nervous but it was kind of endearing and made it more special.

She drove us to a lovely country park where she set out a large picnic blanket and we chatted and had a drink together before eating what she had prepared. I swear I was shaking at one point early on and she reached for my hand and whispered... "You look so beautiful... I just want to spend time with you...".

It was really peaceful and we lay on the blanket after eating some of the food in the sunshine. She lay on her stomach looking at me with her head resting on her arms and I just couldn't stop smiling at her...

She asked me how I was feeling and I was honest... terrified! But... good terrified and that I couldn't stop thinking about us kissing each other the other day. She grinned at me which made my stomach flip and agreed that she couldn't get it out of her head either. She explained that she was 'no good at these things' and 'didn't want to mess it up'.

I took her hand in mine then and said we should take things slowly... it was a huge deal for both of us and what we have already is too precious to spoil by rushing into anything. She nodded and continued to hold my hand... asking if that was ok... too sweet!!!

The whole day was gorgeous and I will never forget it. She dropped me home a few hours ago and we did kiss again in my hallway... for quite a while but then she pulled away shyly and said she would see me on Monday. I can't stop grinning and now Jason is home from the cinema with Alan and I have to behave 'normally'. I don't want to tell him about me and Bernie just yet...

Couldn't help but send her a text before bed... 'Thank you for a perfect day... the perfect first date... you are not as bad as you think at this!! I already can't wait to see you at work on Monday, enjoy seeing the kids tomorrow, S xx'.

She typed back... 'I am falling for you Serena, today was magical... with you, i'm so glad you enjoyed it too. Can I call you tomorrow? Love Bernie x'.

I can't stop smiling... my cheeks are aching, typed back... ' Of course... call tomorrow night when you get back, missing you, S xx'.

I'm falling too...

 

**Monday**

AAU so chaotic today, luckily all staff in and Keller staff helped out as well as massive accident and casualties arrived. Hardly saw Bernie as she or I were in theatre while the other supervised the ward.

We eventually caught up in the office for a coffee at 5pm and I am taking her on our second date tomorrow evening... dinner and cinema. Her cheeks flushed pink when I asked her for a date and said I will organise it all.

Decided I will tell Jason when I get the right opportunity... I can't hide it from him and he has already guessed something is up as I am so happy right now! :)

Laying in bed after a hot soak in the bath and just told Jason... he is fine with it and very supportive actually. I said it is early days but it is what I want and he nodded suggesting that he already suspected! He likes Bernie and is happy for us.

Bernie just text to see if I had told Jason as I said I was going to earlier and I replied... 'Yes and he is fine with it :) dinner booked for 7pm tomorrow evening at the French restaurant in town and then you can pick a film :) can't wait! S xx'.

She replied with... 'I think I am in a dream... are you for real Serena Campbell? ;) seriously... sounds amazing, I am a lucky lucky lady! It's a date! Love Bernie x'.

I am kind of on cloud nine at the moment... the feeling is the best thing ever!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Tuesday**

Just got in from my date with Bernie and... well... it makes me grin like an idiot to write that we were out on a date... our second and it was completely wonderful...

This is the beginning of my new future and it is completely exciting, thrilling and is turning my world upside down. I don't feel like me anymore... I feel like a new woman... a better... more vibrant... exhilarated person all round. Bernie has breathed new life into me... I feel intoxicated by her... in a marvellous way... it's a high... an addiction... this falling in love again at my age...

The meal was divine and Bernie looked so gorgeous. Film was great...her choice... a thriller... plenty of action... mystery and drama... I couldn't stop thinking about her holding my hand all the way through it in the dark and what it meant.... still the beginning of us... our love for each other... I still can't believe this is happening to me!!!

She came in for coffee and as Jason was in... even though he knows about us... we weren't tactile in front of him... will take some getting used to. I did get a kiss goodnight though :) :) I never want to stop kissing her... it feels... breathtaking and she makes me feel things I have honestly never felt before... she has awakened a deeper passionate side to me and now it's out... there is no stopping!

 

**Thursday**

AAU quieter today... managed to catch Raf for a chat over coffee and he had guessed about Bernie & I. Asked him to keep it to himself for now as I still don't want anyone in the hospital gossiping while we work out our new relationship together... we don't need everyone knowing... I trust Raf though and it was nice to chat about it with him.

Jason wanted Bernie to come for fish & chips tonight so she did and it was so lovely. She is amazing with that boy... the endless patience of a saint and it makes my heart melt to see them getting on so well. Jason in his blunt manner told us he doesn't mind us touching or kissing in front of him now we are together which after being taken a back a bit... I thought it was sweet of him to say so we feel comfortable.

It was the first time we cuddled together on the sofa just watching TV with Jason and Bernie lay with her head on my chest... wow... the feelings... it feels so right.... all of it.

I asked her if she wanted to stay but she shook her head shyly and whispered... 'soon...'. It made me blush thinking about when she does finally stay the night and the next step... we both think it shouldn't be something we should rush even though it is tempting!!

Got another kiss as she left... it was so cold but romantic standing on the doorstep our arms wrapped round each other... ok we were totally snogging!! I am blushing now thinking about it....

 

**Saturday**

Ok... ok... I am nervous this afternoon. Bernie & I are going on our third date this evening... we are going to the theatre and then she agreed she will stay over here afterwards. I feel terrified... she made sure I knew she wasn't expecting anything to happen regarding us sharing a bed but I really want to and feel ready even though obviously I am nervous about it.

I want to dress up and I want her to find me attractive... she takes my breath away with how gorgeous she is and I am going to make sure everywhere looks nice for later. Jason went out earlier... staying at Celia's so Bernie & I will have the place to ourselves.

Just had a text from her... 'Serena, please don't worry about tonight, I can stay in your guest room... I really don't want us to rush anything... I just want to spend time with you, B xx'.

When I got out of the bath I sent her a reply after drafting several versions of more or less the same thing... 'I would prefer you to sleep in my bedroom... with me... I want to take things slowly I think though. I haven't... you know... before... you know what I mean and although I really want to go there with you... I can't deny that I am terrified! Can't wait for tonight though, missing you, S xx'.

Was just finishing putting the final touches to my make up when I got a reply from Bernie... 'Serena... I am completely terrified! I haven't... you know with anyone I have felt this way about before... honestly! I know you won't believe me but what I feel for you is so overwhelming I think I will be shaking when we go there and it doesn't have to be tonight. Having said that... the thought of falling asleep with you in my arms is perhaps my biggest wish and I may get it fulfilled ;) see you later, you are truly beautiful you know, B xx'.

One more text before I go and pick her up... 'Totally blushing Bernie Wolfe... you are the beautiful one and I think falling asleep together can be arranged ;) coming to pick you up now, love Serena xx'.

Here goes... butterflies are off the scale...


	20. Chapter 20

**Sunday**

I am so unbelievably happy... Bernie... she makes me feel so alive and wanted. Last night was incredible... all of it.

Actually going to the theatre together and holding her hand again when the lights went down... wow... the feelings I get...

She came back afterwards and yes stayed the night... in my bed... we didn't take anything further though... well a little :) but not the whole way. It was more her choice in the end... she explained in her shy manner that she has never felt like this before... with anyone and it is totally scaring her.

She said with Marcus and with... Alex... she had responded to their advances and yes enjoyed herself but this is the very first time she has, and I quote... 'Wanted anyone this badly...' - my heart!!!!

Actually had a slight headache when we got back here after the date and she was so kind when I lay with my head in her lap on the sofa while she stroked my hair and forehead slowly... it did relax me and made me feel better... along with her kisses...

She began slowly stroking my legs over my trousers which to be honest made me feel... weak. I tried to sit up but she wouldn't let me and just carried on for a bit until I felt better... so sweet and caring of her.

I felt she opened up to me more tonight than ever before about how she feels and how she doesn't want what we have to be rushed and risk ruining everything.... she knows I haven't been... intimate with a woman before and she is so worried I won't like it and actually said she is terrified about touching me.

I made sure I reassured her by stroking up and down her arm slowly and across her wrist as she was stroking my legs... my god... it was the most erotic thing ever even just stroking each other very slowly... like that.

We eventually made it upstairs and were completely shy with each other... each taking turns to change and shower in the en suite. She wasn't sure what to do with herself when I came back into the bedroom in my pyjamas and I said she could pick a side of the bed as I usually sleep in the middle... she chose the left and nervously shuffled under the sheets blushing... too adorable.

I cuddled up to her and held her close... I could hear her heart beating rapidly and stroked her hair until she calmed down a little. I reassured her I wasn't expecting anything and she should just relax. She nodded shyly and pulled me closer by my waist and stroked the small amount of skin on show between my pyjama top and bottoms... my god... I turned the lamp off and she held me tightly continuing the stroking... she then started kissing me slowly and moved down to my neck which felt like... pure heaven... absolutely the best feeling I have ever experienced... she was so respectful and true to her words of not taking anything much further although she did lift my pyjama top up a little to kiss my stomach which was just... gorgeous... her warm and nervous lips kissing there was... well... jesus...

She whispered how sexy she found my stomach which really surprised me as my stretch marks are not exactly discrete and I am self conscious that my stomach isn't flat but she was stroking and kissing so gorgeously. I had to whisper to her to stop in the end as it was becoming too much for me and I would have wanted to progress things further... she chuckled sweetly and nodded moving back up to kissing my lips and neck... I whispered again that she needed to stop as I was getting... yes... well...

We turned over together to cuddle and she whispered that she loved me which made me well up with tears... I said it back and we fell into a beautiful sleep together wrapped in my sheets... bliss.

Elinor called tonight... I think she still feels bad about our trip and cancelling on me! I didn't tell her about Bernie but we did catch up generally and she has been really busy with uni. Hopefully see her soon...      

 

**Tuesday**

Work has been non stop since the weekend... hardly seen Bernie... we have been in theatre apart or off doing other bits and pieces... have been helping Henrik with a funding bid which has taken up a lot of my time and last night Jason wanted to spend the evening with me, which was lovely to do, I don't want to neglect him at all he means so much to me.

Bernie & I are going on another date tomorrow night though which I am really looking forward to... we are going out for dinner and then I am staying at her place... can't wait... got butterflies already and still feel like I am on cloud nine...

Saw Essie for a quick drink after work and she commented on how happy I look... I am not telling anyone about my new relationship yet... it's not that I am worried... I am just enjoying keeping it to ourselves at the moment while we slowly build something...    

 

**Thursday**

Feeling very tired tonight... but deliriously happy. Yesterday... last night... everything with Bernie feels just perfect. Dinner was so lovely... italian food... my choice and completely gorgeous.

Back to hers and I don't think I have kissed someone for that long ever... and talking hours... just kissing on her sofa and then in her bed. I remember gasping when her hands found their way under my top and she apologised profusely but I said it was a good thing!!

When her hands slide over my skin she sets it on fire... I swear. This is the first time... for me... it has felt like this and I told her... she blushed and kissed me harder sliding her hands up a bit and over certain... bits... bloody hell... I know I was shaking and so was she so she stopped and went back to stroking my legs for a bit before resting her hands on my waist... over my pyjama's.

I have to admit that I am very curious about... the rest... and how it would feel for us to go further when we are ready.

Bernie has done this before... I know.... but gathering she has never instigated anything herself and this is what terrifies her... her making the move and me not enjoying it... she almost said as much... said it would 'destroy her' if I found it to be not what I wanted and a mistake after we go there... not going to happen.

We fell asleep curled up together... heaven... me holding her this time and kissing her back gently while she fell into a deep sleep... I can't fully describe the feelings I have... they are overtaking me and feel like my heart is going to burst with how much I love her...

Next date on Saturday... dinner at somewhere new for both of us and then back to mine... butterflies... everyday now....


	21. Chapter 21

**Sunday (Two weeks later)**

Been in a crazy whirlwind of love with Bernie... can't think about anything else and AAU has been so hectic as well. I needed to write down what happened last night so I can remember it for the rest of my life... Bernie and I slept together and it was beyond incredible.

She was so romantic and planned the whole thing for Bonfire night as she thought it would be amazing with fireworks in the distance. She cooked a beautiful meal here for us and we had both checked that Jason would be going to a bonfire display with Alan and his new girlfriend and staying over with them.

Sat in the garden with expensive glasses of Shiraz... for an important occasion she said! Watched the fireworks from two doors down while holding hands under the blanket and it was gorgeous...

We then had a candlelit bath together.... she had put so many candles around the bath it looked just beautiful.... had to admit I was slightly tearful and she looked concerned but I reassured her they were happy tears! I wanted to make it special for her as well so gave her a soapy massage in the bath which she loved...

When she took me to bed... and she did take control so I felt comfortable it was beyond even my wildest dreams of how amazing it would be when we finally went there... together... I had to apologise to her as I got there very quickly but she just held me tightly and said it made her love me even more... that she was so relieved I liked it... I told her it was the best night of my life and she had truly changed my life... forever.... she cried then and I held her tightly before I tried my best to please her... sexually.

It was a true privilege... for her to allow me to do the things I had only fantasized about doing to her and she got there quickly too. I still can't believe it happened... well I knew we would eventually but now it has happened I don't know what I was worried about or why we waited!! Actually I am glad we did.... I wouldn't change anything at all... I feel like I have fallen somewhere now where my heart is out of my control... it belongs to her.

One of the best moments was falling asleep together afterwards with fireworks still going off outside in the distance and I know I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face.... wow... what a night!

 

**Wednesday**

Bernie hasn't been to her flat yet since... we went there. Every time she says she might go for a night to give us both some space we end up in bed together... and not just sleeping now!! :)

She has awakened something in me... I'm not entirely sure it is new but something I hadn't allowed to the surface of my feelings and this is who I am now... the best version of myself. I am so deeply in love with Bernie it is truly scary and terrifying... to love someone that much that you know it could destroy you if something happened to them.... the best kind of love though... that everyone searches for and I have been on the look out for since I was a teenager...

AAU staff have definitely noticed there is something going on between us and Raf, Morven and Fletch now know.... officially. Bernie asked me if she could tell them and I agreed. They are really happy for us and very supportive.

Quiet evening with Jason tonight.... Bernie is staying :) he seems perfectly happy watching tv with us both and doesn't mind us cuddling up together on the sofa.... he says we look 'right' together and he can see how happy we are. I can't stop grinning.... generally wherever I am at the moment... home... work... I am the happiest I have ever been and Bernie says the same...

 

**Saturday**

We took Jason on a day out today to the London Dungeons as a treat. All really enjoyed it... it felt so lovely to take him out together and Bernie said she had a 'fantastic day'.... she loves anything to do with history and found the dungeons very interesting as did Jason. She even took him down into the torture chamber as I didn't want to go down... to be honest it frightened me a bit but Bernie seemed to sweep in and take over with Jason as well as with the Jack the Ripper part of the tour which I wasn't keen on.

I sat in the cafe with a coffee reading about the history of the tour while they did that and then they came back up to join me. Bernie sat beside me and wouldn't let go of my hand... she said she 'always wants to keep me safe'. I really shocked myself then by thinking... just marry me....

I never thought about getting married again after Edward... near the end was so awful and hurt me so much that I swore I would never put myself through that again or the potential to be hurt that much by anyone else. But.... now... I know if Bernie wanted to... I would get married... to her.

This is something though that I won't mention.... she has only really got divorced fairly recently and her whole life was being married where she didn't feel like her true self and guessing she wants some freedom for a bit... although she doesn't have freedom being in a serious, committed relationship with me...

No doubts about us at all but... marriage again for Bernie.... not sure she would want that? I am grinning writing these words down as I have just realised today that it is what I want and that is very strange...

Jason said when we got back home that it had been one of his favourite days ever and hugged us both.... my heart melted. He asked Bernie when we are all going to live together and I tensed up and didn't look at her... I was really worried about her answer.... but she just touched his shoulder lightly and said... 'I would really like that Jason when the time is right for your Auntie Serena....'

Too many feelings.... butterflies... happiness... I feel like I am in a dream and never want to wake up...


	22. Chapter 22

**Friday**

This week has been so very busy... still in a whirlwind... Bernie... she makes me so happy. She has been staying here all week... we can't bear to be apart in the evenings...

Went to speak to Henrik today and told him about Bernie & I so he didn't hear it from anyone else. Have to admit it was quite awkward bringing it up with him but he was actually very supportive and happy for us. Need to make sure things stay professional at work though... he wasn't concerned... it was more me reassuring him it won't affect our work. He can be quite kind and thanked me for telling him.

Busy theatre this afternoon, managed to save a young boy's life... great teamwork and luck on our side in the end...

Staying at Bernie's tonight and over the weekend... although it is wonderful when she stays with me there is Jason to consider and he needs my time also enjoying spending time with both of us so really can't wait to have her all to myself this weekend! :)

Celia is coming to stay with Jason so he should be fine, can't wait for a relaxing evening with Bernie...

 

**Sunday**

Spending a wonderful weekend with Bernie... we hardly left her bedroom yesterday... can't get enough of each other, I swear I am addicted to her and the way I feel about her.

We woke up late and just lazed around cooking a later breakfast and then going back to bed... don't think either of us has ever been so lazy!! :)

Cuddled up on her sofa in the afternoon watching a film and then back to bed for a bit... can't seem to get enough of her beautiful body and when we aren't being.... intimate... we can just chat and lay in each others arms for hours... pure bliss... I have never ever felt like this in my whole life... I didn't know I could feel this happy and it's all because of Bernie.

Elinor text tonight... she is off on holiday with Edward & Liberty and will be back in a week's time, wants to catch up when she gets back, she seemed ok and fairly happy, who wouldn't jetting off to LA!!

Also had a text from Evie today when Bernie and I got in from our lunch out. She wants me to go and see her and Mikey in their school musical this week. She even said.... 'You can bring your girlfriend... dad says you have a girlfriend now Serena... how cool! Can't wait to meet her :) Please come to see my show, I am one of the main characters and Mikey is really funny in it. Can save you two tickets? Love Evie x'.

I showed Bernie her text and she chuckled. We are going to go tomorrow evening... together.... I sent a text back to Evie saying... 'Thanks darling, bet you will be marvellous! Yes I am with Bernie, I think you met her once at the hospital but not sure, I am very happy. Can we both come tomorrow evening as we can finish work a bit earlier, Love Serena x'.

She typed back...' Bernie... yes I remember her... very pretty! :) See you both tomorrow evening :) will give the tickets to dad, lots of love x'.

Bernie has gone to the gym this evening... missing her... totally pathetic Serena!!

 

**Tuesday**

Very busy at work today and tired from yesterday evening although it was really lovely... Evie was magnificent, really amazing, that girl has talent. Mikey was also very good, they were a pleasure to go and watch, even Bernie enjoyed it and musicals aren't her thing!

We saw them both after the show still dressed in their costumes and I got a big hug from Evie. Mikey shook both of our hands and Bernie gave some flowers to Evie that we had bought for her. She then gave Bernie a hug and Bernie didn't know what to do... bless her... she looked awkward but gave Mikey some sweets we had bought for him and we all had a chat before we left.

Fletch was there with Raf so we had sat with them... it really was a brilliant night and I was so proud to take Bernie as my 'girlfriend'. Evie pulled me to the side and gave me an extra hug. She said I looked really happy and she was pleased for me... sweet girl.

Fell asleep with Bernie in my arms last night at home... I am so very lucky and happy beyond my wildest dreams... 


	23. Chapter 23

**Tuesday**

Things are still... completely wonderful. Told Elinor last night on the phone as she can't come back from uni for another two weeks... she has an important assignment due in which she needs to finish and is behind with as she was on holiday. I think Jason may have dropped some hints or just blatantly already said something as she just went a little quiet but said she was happy to hear that I am happy. She asked if it was love and I said it definitely is... no doubt at all. She said she will try and come back for lunch in two weeks and would like to meet Bernie then. She seemed genuinely ok just a little quiet... I guess it was a bit of a shock...

Bernie has now told Cameron and Charlotte which went ok too. Cam said he knew and was happy for us, Charlotte went quiet also apparently... maybe it's a daughter thing...

Work been pretty hectic but I love working together so much and being together in the evenings (when we aren't still at the hospital!). I think since we got together we have only spent two nights apart and they were frankly awful... we missed each other too much!! Being with her is completely incredible... i'm still on a high and can't see me coming down from it anytime soon...

Told Essie and Mo today in Pulses while we were having a quick catch up coffee. They just laughed... actually laughed and said 'We know Serena....'. I must have looked embarrassed as Essie reached for my hand and said kindly... 'We just know that you are both crazy about each other... it's obvious... that's all... very sweet and so romantic!'. Think I went bright red as Mo looked at me and said 'Seriously Serena... it's wonderful news... and not everyone knows ok so stop worrying!'. They wanted some juicy details but obviously that is private between myself and Bernie, I just said I was very happy and they said it suited me!

Staying at Bernie's tonight as Jason is at his youth club then going to Alan's. I just adore curling up with Bernie on the sofa or in bed laying in each others arms... my happy place where I feel loved and safe... hope she feels like that too.

The mind blowing sex just gets better and better... I have met 'the one' and it makes life feel just amazing... everyday...

 

**Wednesday**

Spent this evening with Bernie and Jason looking at costumes online. We are going to Albie's belated Halloween karaoke on Saturday evening with the AAU team as it has been closed for refurbishment! Jason wants to bring Celia so we need things to wear... not long to get something sorted out!!

Jason has decided on going as a wizard and we found a great costume on Amazon so ordered that to be delivered tomorrow. Bernie decided on a vampire outfit which I have to admit she will look amazing in... extremely hot! It is black and burgundy with lacy bits... 

Think I am going to go as a witch, there were some nice outfits and ideas online... Bernie naughtily suggested me going as a 'slutty' witch but after I had hit her on the arm (playfully of course) we saw a costume that was appropriate for a 52 year old to wear!!!

Bernie's vampire outfit is quite daring but she actually quite enjoys dressing up... she used to dress up as all sorts during her army days... the parties were quite something I hear! It actually has a corset as part of it... don't think I will be able to keep my hands off her but she just laughed and asked me to help her with her makeup.

The costume I have ordered has a long black skirt and a black floaty long sleeved chiffon top which is a bit see through for my liking but Bernie swore to me it would look good with the right bra underneath. She kept blushing when talking about it so hopefully she will find it... attractive... there is a hat with it too! :)

 

**Friday**

Met Charlotte properly this evening as Bernie bought her round for dinner. She is a lovely young woman... looks like Bernie but nothing like her in personality... she takes after Marcus I think... quite serious but kind hearted. She was very polite and asked me a lot about myself... she was patient with Jason and it was all in all a really nice evening. We were telling her all about the Halloween night tomorrow and she made Bernie & I show her our outfits and took some photo's.

She told Bernie off a little for her outfit as it is a little... risque... but Bernie just laughed. I think it is the corset part... which is quite low cut but Bernie isn't bothered... she makes me chuckle sometimes because in some ways she can be self conscious but others she just doesn't care... god I love her!!!

 

**Sunday**

Last night was the most fun night... had an amazing time :) :) everyone was dressed up and it was really busy in Albie's. Bernie & I didn't get up and sing, it was just great listening to the others and being together.

Jason and Celia were so cute together and looked really good. They did stick to us all night but that was fine as we just sat chatting with everyone! :) It seems they are all pleased that Bernie & I are together and they all saw it coming... quite funny actually.

God knows what we drunk at Albie's, we had bought tickets and that included two free Halloween cocktails which tasted nice but I can't remember what was in them!! Bernie looked... beautiful... classy but sexy... god I just wanted to kiss her all evening... but we kept that until we were in private when we got back here. Wow... her outfit and body looked... well... her body definitely does things to me...

Got some amazing photo's from last night that we will have to get printed... everyone dressed up and looking happy. Morven took a lovely one of me and Bernie just looking at each other laughing, really want a copy of that!

Bernie & I have decided to go away for the weekend next week... our first weekend away together :) have decided on the Lake District so I can have my romantic log cabin while Bernie gets the outdoorsy scenery she craves. I can't wait!!!!


	24. Chapter 24

**Thursday**

Really busy week... been shopping tonight for things for the weekend... can't wait... a whole weekend with Bernie and our first weekend away together... major butterflies!

Working until 2pm tomorrow and Bernie has arranged to finish at lunchtime... hours owed to her so the plan is to go home and she will pick me up at 4pm to drive to the Lakes... she is a sweetheart and offered to drive us there. She has booked the whole thing... a beautiful log cabin. She said she wanted to treat me and I feel really spoilt! :)

Bought some new winter clothes to wear... hope she will like them, want to feel cosy and attractive at the same time! It will be cold in the Lake District!

Jason is having Celia to stay this weekend so have stocked them up with food... they should be fine, Celia only lives fifteen minutes away with her parents and they understand about Jason's needs if there is an emergency.

Doubt I will be able to sleep tonight... Bernie is staying at her flat to get her things ready for the weekend and frankly... I'm really excited!! :)

 

**Friday**

I'm in heaven... arrived at the log cabin and it is completely gorgeous... all wooden, spacious and has a hot tub... a hot tub!!!! She didn't tell me but had booked the larger cabin that included it as a surprise... I love this woman!!

It is 9pm and we are both exhausted... Bernie is incredibly sleepy after driving and we stopped to eat at the service station halfway so just want to crawl into the largest, most comfy bed together and cuddle up.

The bathroom is luxury with a huge roll top bath... think we will get plenty of use out of that this weekend!! Just made us both a hot chocolate and going to relax in bed now...

 

**Saturday**

We woke up late feeling incredibly happy and looking forward to the day ahead. The log cabin is in the most beautiful spot with a stunning view of one of the lakes. There is a frost this morning and the trees look gorgeous... it's so romantic here. We had bought breakfast items with us for this morning so got ready leisurely and Bernie wanted to go walking which we have done... frankly i'm completely knackered!

The scenery takes your breath away and it was really peaceful walking together holding hands some of the way. It was cold and glad I bought my new woolly gloves with me. Bernie said they were cute! She looked adorable in her bobble hat and her ears go all pink when it is cold... I just want to kiss them!

We had a lovely pub lunch... it had a log fire and we had a few drinks... needed them for the walk back!

Have spent this evening watching a film curled up on the huge tartan sofa in the lounge under a soft blanket and spending most of the time kissing... so romantic!!! I felt completely in a perfect moment... Bernie loves black and white films so we were just cuddled up close and it was heaven. We were both still full from a big lunch but I had bought fancy chocolates for us to share which we fed each other in the candlelight... as I said... amazingly romantic!!!

 

**Sunday**

Another wonderful day... called Jason this morning and all ok. He wanted to know if I was having a nice time... sweet boy. 

Spent all morning in the... hot tub!!! Wow... no more words! Total luxury! :) :)

This afternoon we went on a lake cruise which was beautiful. I love the Lake District and can't wait to come back and we haven't even left yet. Bernie is in her element here... the outdoors life suits her so much. She loves the fresh air and being active... she even went for a walk before I woke up this morning! 

We had a lovely meal on the boat and now back in the cabin for our last night... it has gone far too quickly and don't want to go home in the morning... not yet!!

Bernie can be so romantic and I think I have fallen deeper in love with her this weekend... not that I thought I could but my heart can't cope with how much I adore her and just want to make her happy. We want a future together and even had a deep conversation tonight about what we both want... we are not getting any younger and don't want to waste any more time... watch this space!!


	25. Chapter 25

**Monday**

I have to write down what we talked about last night... Bernie is staying at her flat tonight after our weekend away and I have some time to take everything in now Jason has gone to bed...

The weekend was just amazing in every way and I am the happiest I have ever been... I know it... nothing else compares with how Bernie makes me feel and how close we are in every sense...

While we were laying in the soft luxury sheets of the log cabin last night with the fire on (yes it was so romantic!!) Bernie asked me what I thought about marriage... as in generally after Edward. I explained that even though my first experience of marriage was not great... I would be willing to get married again. She grinned at this point and reached for my hand under the sheets... she pulled me closer until our lips were almost touching and said... 'Would you marry me Serena...?'.

I think I must have been in shock as this is Bernie Wolfe... who is frightened of commitment and hurting the people she loves. I looked at her and grinned. Before I answered and kissed her she whispered... 'I'm not ready just now... but would you marry me in say six months?'. I just kissed her and whispered... 'Yes....'.

We made love slowly in the candlelight before sitting and talking about it properly... she feels she has just got divorced and would like to wait six months... she said... and I quote... 'What about next Spring/Summer... I want you to be mine... properly...'. I whispered that I am hers but yes of course... nothing would make me happier than us making that commitment to each other. I did say I really wasn't keen on a big, fancy wedding and she agreed shyly nodding.

In fact we stayed up until very early this morning discussing what each of us would like and we came up with something really private with only a few people and that the focus is on the promises to each other and our commitment.

Have to say tonight now it has sunk in... I can hardly breathe... excited... scared and butterflies all in one... I am going to marry Bernie Wolfe!!!

We are keeping it to ourselves for now... our secret... feels delicious.

 

**Wednesday**

Bernie has been staying since yesterday... god I love that woman... she cooked last night and we were able to spend time with Jason too. It feels so exciting to have this secret and we just keep grinning at each other... her smile makes me melt. We want to get each other a ring but then it would be obvious... we have decided to tell people at Christmas and make the rings our gifts to each other...

Work has been quite normal so not too stressful... no more than usual. I don't want to scare Bernie by asking her to move in just yet... have decided I will ask her at Christmas... just a few weeks away now!

Elinor is coming round on Sunday for lunch and to meet Bernie so that is a huge step for everyone... hoping it will go well... getting nervous already.

Having drinks after work with Raf and Fletch tomorrow so that will be fun!

 

**Friday**

Jason is away tonight so Bernie and I have the evening to ourselves and been looking at wedding venues!! Me Serena Campbell... looking at getting married again at my age... Bernie is such a private person and I totally agree with her with this that we should make it really small and intimate and going to aim for May/June time.

We are not sure what we would each wear and ended up giggling about it... bit embarrassing at our age... and not sure what is appropriate or would look nice... plenty of time to think about it.

Think we will ask Jason, Elinor, Cam and Charlotte to attend as witnesses and have a private ceremony... then have a big lunch for everyone we love to come along, needs researching though! :)

Still nervous about seeing Elinor and her meeting Bernie on Sunday... Bernie seems on edge too and wants it to go well... she says it means a lot to her...

I still can't believe that we are going to get married!!! Bernie asked me tonight if I was sure it was what I wanted and I just kissed her passionately and said... 'What do you think...?' which made her chuckle and nod shyly.

 

**Sunday**

Elinor has just left and it went better than I thought it would... she was grown up about it and polite. Bernie was shaking... I felt her legs trembling under the table and tried to reassure her she was doing fine at intervals!

Elinor was telling us both about her amazing trip and then uni life. Bernie asked her plenty of questions and Elinor chatted away to try and relax everyone so all in all I was pleased.

Bernie has gone to the gym tonight and back to her flat to check on things, do laundry and change her clothes over. I really miss her when she isn't here... so much... have spent some time with Jason tonight though which has been lovely...

Busy week at work next week so going to have a hot soak and an early night... no doubt dreaming of wedding ideas and the fact that I am so ridiculously happy! :) 


	26. Chapter 26

**Tuesday**

It is really getting difficult not to tell people that Bernie & I are engaged... getting married... think the staff on AAU know something is going on as Bernie & I look so insanely happy all the time! Morven asked me this morning if everything was ok and I just grinned at her and nodded. The ward has been full of patients... really very busy and Bernie has been in theatre mainly yesterday and today.

She has been staying with me which has been so wonderful... we have been helping Jason prepare for his weekend away with the youth group this weekend... he needed some new bits and pieces so we went shopping yesterday evening. I think it is lovely that the two group leaders are attempting to take the small group away to Dartmoor... a cottage but will include lots of activities and Jason really wanted to go... he has made some friends there and he feels comfortable knowing other people there understand his Asperger's and his particular ways and routines!

Bernie & I have been so knackered in the evenings and with preparing for Christmas at the same time... it is creeping up on us now and we are having to get organised! Found out last night that it will just be Jason here spending Christmas as Cameron and Charlotte have accepted to go away with Marcus to the States and Elinor is going skiing with uni friends. It will be quiet but I know it will be perfect... I am so so happy at the moment... it all feels like a romantic whirlwind dream and that I am going to wake up and find that Bernie Wolfe has all been a figment of my imagination...

 

**Thursday**

Trying to orgainse Christmas drinks for AAU but not easy with everyone having different shifts... it will be at Albie's and no doubt will involve the other wards as well if they happen to be there but would really like to treat the AAU staff... they have been so hardworking and supportive lately. Bernie is trying to help me sort something out even though it is not really her thing... she whispered to me in bed last night curled up into my side that she would do anything for me... and I truly believe her... likewise... I would do anything for her...

Both in surgery this afternoon... we work effortlessly together as always... find it hard to concentrate around each other at work so we have an agreement not to look at each other unless we really have to!! Not easy at all...

Jason is starting to panic about going on his trip tomorrow evening... we sat and had a good chat about it and I think he seems calmer and made sure we went through his rucksack again to check he has got everything... seemed to work... Bernie also had a word with him while they were sitting watching tv... she gave him her old army water bottle which he thought was 'so brilliant' and even gave her a brief hug.

After Jason had gone to bed we ordered some Christmas gifts for him and the kids online while having a nice glass of wine. We are going to go to the Christmas Market in town on Saturday together which I am really looking forward to... we have the whole weekend together... can't wait!! :)

Elinor rang late wanting some advice about travel insurance which I ended up getting for her... she thanked me and said she would like to spend new year with us... I mentioned we were both working quite a bit then but of course she is welcome to stay... she said she would like that & wouldn't get in the way of our 'loved up time'... made me chuckle...

 

**Sunday**

Have had the most gorgeous weekend with Bernie... just perfect... pure domestic bliss and the Christmas Market was just wonderful...

We dropped Jason off on Friday evening at the building he goes to for his youth group and saw him off on the coach... he was smiling when one of his friends asked to sit by him so I knew he would be ok... he texted when he got there and seems to have had a great time... he has sent the odd text saying he is enjoying himself.

Saturday morning Bernie & I lazed around in bed for a bit... best way to start a day if you ask me... I still can't get enough of her... in every way... she makes me feel things I have only dreamed about and gives me a constant high... everything about her...

The Christmas Market was really romantic as we went at 4pm when it was getting dark so the lights were twinkling around the small wooden huts and smells of all the delicious treats made it feel all Christmassy!

Bernie really enjoyed herself as she has spent many festive periods over the years abroad with the military so an English December is a treat for her and the biting cold wind was even romantic as we huddled on a small wooden table with our mulled wine and warm gingerbread hearts that she bought us from one of the little stalls. We snuggled together in our winter coats, scarves and gloves looking at the stars and listening to a children's choir perform... they really were magical...

We looked round at some of the crafts and decorations... I bought some bits for the house and Bernie bought some beautiful candles to give as gifts as they really were very pretty. Some children were ice skating on the rink so we watched them for a while and then as we were walking round the outside of the square Bernie said we should look in Goldsmiths at rings... I must have grinned at her and reached for her hand as she smiled back with one of her beautiful shy smiles and said... "I am serious about marrying you Serena Campbell... let's look at rings to get some ideas...".

We went inside and spoke to a really nice lady who was very patient and excited for us. We had a good look and I think I would like a white gold ring with diamonds... obviously! Nothing like my previous ring that Edward chose... he really had no clue at all!! Bernie liked the look of a white gold ring too but wanted hers to be more simple. We had a good look though and have more idea now at what we would both like...

We spent the evening having a candlelit bath after a lovely takeaway. It was bliss... spending quality time together... in our own bubble of love... I am one extremely happy... lucky, lucky lady... 


	27. Chapter 27

**Monday**

Jason got back late this afternoon and had such a lovely time... I am so pleased... big step for him but such progress and means he will hopefully attempt it again. He even tried abseiling!! Brave lad! Really pleased to see him when we picked him up after work and he was full of it all... Bernie listened patiently to him as she always does and it feels so lovely to have that support with Jason...they genuinely care about each other and get on so well... makes me very grateful.

Christmas is getting very close now and have started writing cards and thinking carefully about what I need to get done this week... Fletch invited Bernie & I to the younger ones Nativity on Thursday afternoon so that will be lovely... very Christmassy and Bernie was pleased to be asked too. 

She has been staying over every night... just when she offers to go and give me some space I just can't seem to let her... I don't want to be apart... I crave her to cuddle up to in bed and her presence in the house... just being together... we don't even have to be doing anything in particular... the best kind of relationship...

The weather has been bitterly cold and I am trying to get everyone on AAU into the festive spirit... I do so love this time of year and this year is going to be the best Christmas for such a long time... it is so hard not to tell everyone that we are getting married next year... feels like the biggest secret I have had... we just really want to keep it to ourselves for a while longer while we decide the details...

Bernie & I are planning to go Christmas shopping after work tomorrow so that will be lovely... I want to try and find the perfect Christmas jumper for her... she just doesn't know it yet :)

 

**Tuesday**

Work manic today... so many accidents and the ward completely full, ended up having to send some straight to Keller as we just didn't have the space!

Bernie & I wandered round the shops tonight after going for a quick bite to eat... I just love doing these things with her... I love her company and we seem to laugh a lot!

She rolled her eyes at the Christmas jumpers but I asked her very nicely if she would at least try some on for me and she agreed... she looked too adorable... in all of them but the only one she agreed on was a navy fair isle snowman jumper which I got for her... she looked too cute!! She had to laugh in the end and said I had an 'infectious personality'...  we had fun though!! She chose a red reindeer knitted jumper for me :)

Nearly got all the gifts now and they just need wrapping... apparently Bernie is terrible at wrapping gifts but I don't believe her just think she hasn't got the patience so I have offered to wrap all hers for her... it must be true love!

Got back to find Jason calling one of his new friends from the weekend... I am so greatly impressed with how he is getting on these days... so much more independent with support of course!

 

**Wednesday**

It has been lightly snowing all day today... very festive! Work a bit quieter... was stuck in various meetings but we both managed to get home by 8pm. After dinner we made gingerbread to take to the Nativity tomorrow for the children... well Ella and Theo who are going to be such stars!

Bernie welled up with tears very shyly and I asked her if she was alright... she said she was just so happy and couldn't help feeling emotional... we had a long hug and hopefully that made her feel better. She is so adorable when helping me to bake... the kitchen was pure chaos and she ended up with icing sugar on her nose... just too cute... she looked embarrassed as she has said before she is slightly self conscious of the 'Wolfe family nose' she has inherited from her father but I just kissed it away and stroked her hair... I think her nose is beautiful... everything about her is beautiful...

Jason came down from his bedroom when he smelled it baking in the oven and was upset about having to wait to try some! Bernie spoke to him about us getting married... we hadn't discussed telling him yet but I don't mind.... I think it was playing on her mind and she wanted him to be comfortable with the idea. He seems extremely happy and hugged her tightly.

We all sat at the kitchen table then eating some of the gingerbread and feeling so so happy...

 

**Friday**

Yesterday was so lovely, we managed to leave work on time... very lucky... and had front row seats to see Ella and Theo in their Christmas Nativity. Wore my new Christmas jumper... Bernie said she would save hers for Christmas... the children were excellent... Ella a gorgeous angel and Theo a shepherd. Fletch should be very proud of them.

We gave them the gingerbread treats afterwards and they were very excited. Bernie had cut it into Christmas shapes and iced them last night... they looked beautiful.

It was such a lovely thing to do together... all of it... I am still on a high and planning our Christmas Day together makes me so excited. Elinor is heading off on the 23rd with her friends so will see her before she goes.

I know Cameron and Charlotte will be round soon too as they are going away with Marcus on the 21st. Lots to plan... the wedding plans will be resumed after Christmas now but think we have decided finally on the venue... too exciting!!! :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Tuesday**

Things have been really hectic... Christmas is nearly here and have been spending so much time with Bernie that I need to focus on getting everything finished for the weekend!! Luckily AAU has been running well, all staff in this week to pull together. Cameron and Charlotte are off on holiday with Marcus tomorrow so they are coming round for dinner tonight as we won't see them over the Christmas weekend.... Bernie will really feel it... she hasn't spent a proper Christmas with them for years... she says she is fine about it but I can tell how much she will miss them and I am determined to give her a lovely weekend :)

Bernie and I have decided some more details about the wedding... Bernie booked it yesterday and paid the deposit... the bank holiday weekend in May next year. We talked about it and decided it would be really lovely to do it in Cornwall where we both have such fond childhood holiday memories... we found a beautiful country hotel and are going to have it there... just us, Elinor, Cameron, Charlotte and Jason. We will invite people down the next day for a lovely lunch... again just our closest friends, we both want it to be about us and feel comfortable.

Haven't decided on anymore details yet... Christmas is upon us and we need to think about that at the moment!!

 

**Thursday**

Day off work today... luckily... have been so busy!!!

Yesterday evening was really lovely, Cameron and Charlotte came for dinner and are really excited about their trip! They both deserve a wonderful time and it will be nice for them to spend time with Marcus. I think Bernie really felt it though.... that they are going off for a lovely time with him and not her. She spoilt them with Christmas gifts and money though for their holiday and they will be back in a fortnight so have promised to see us both then.

Held Bernie tightly when they left... she went very quiet and went upstairs and into the en suite for ages. When she came out I made sure I was there for her and she just fell into my arms and had a little cry. She can be so vulnerable sometimes... a side of her I love though... the shy side of her who loves her children so much and can't handle her own emotions. She did talk about it when we were laying in bed in our fluffy Christmas pyjamas! Getting her to open up is not always easy but she is getting more comfortable and when she has opened up I make sure to give her plenty of kisses and cuddles... so she feels safe and loved...

Have spent most of the day sorting Elinor out for her holiday... makes me laugh as she pretends to be independent but appreciated my help in getting her holiday items and thinking through what she would need to take! I don't know.... she puts on this front sometimes but she is still my little girl at heart! We had a lovely lunch and I spent way too much money on her today but won't see her over Christmas so it was nice to treat her and spend time together. She is going off tomorrow and will be back in a week...

 

**Friday**

Bernie is taking me on a date tomorrow to London but she hasn't said where we are going!! Have made sure I am all ready for Christmas so we can enjoy the time together, all food and drink in now and everything wrapped up. Just need to choose Bernie's ring but she said we can tie that in tomorrow :) I want to get her a beautiful engagement ring that is truly her. We will then tell everyone our news! :)

She has gone back to her flat tonight to check on everything and finish off her own Christmas bits for the weekend... we hardly spend a night apart now and it feels really lonely without her even though Jason has a Christmas movie marathon going in the lounge... he is very excited about Christmas!

Think I may have a long, hot soak and then join him for one of the films... definitely in the festive spirit!! :)

 

**Christmas Eve - Saturday**

Just got back from the most magical day... it's very late but wanted to write it all down so I never forget it... wow what a special day...

We caught the train... all Bernie's treat and made our way into London to pick our engagement rings... they are both totally beautiful, mine sparkles with subtle diamonds and Bernie's is plain white gold but a stunning design!

She had then booked for us to go to Kew Gardens winter wonderland... amazing and so special...it was all beautifully lit up and because it is Christmas Eve there was so much going on.

She had booked the VIP experience so we were able to taste winter cocktails and eat the delicious treats on offer as well as have a divine meal in the restaurant overlooking the lake with sparkling lights around it. We had a private booth and she very romantically took my new ring out of her pocket and asked me to marry her properly... I think I cried... ok I know I did and whispered yes!!!! It was still private as other people were sat quite far away even though the restaurant was busy.

She then rolled her eyes as I did the same for her and laughed... not sure why... I thought it was romantic!!! Anyway, it was very special and the whole trip was gorgeous. We had a browse round outside along the light trail afterwards and saw the reindeer... beautiful creatures and Bernie melted my heart when she asked to stroke one and looked so happy!

It is now very late and Bernie is already asleep in her Christmas pyjamas that I bought her. I have just finished tidying round after Jason... he had obviously been wrapping gifts today!! Have just had a Bailey's and changed into my own festive pyjamas... don't think I could feel any happier... watching the woman I love with all my heart sleeping in my bed on Christmas Eve...


	29. Chapter 29

**Boxing Day**

I have to write about yesterday as I want to remember it always... we both woke up early (ish) snuggled up to each other, the best way to start the day! Bernie was her gorgeous sleepy self and looked too cute in her Christmas pyjamas! Gave her the chocolate snowman I had been hiding from her and she was so touched that I had remembered what she had told me a while ago.... that her grandad (who she adored) used to buy one for her every Christmas when she was a little girl and used to give it to her first thing on Christmas Day.

I got thanked in the most amazing way :) she undressed me from my Christmas pyjamas very slowly placing kisses everywhere and made slow sleepy love to me... I think it was the best ever to be honest... it's how she shows how she feels about me when she can't put it into words and truly melts my heart...

Luckily we had just finished (as I said luckily!!!) when Jason knocked on the door wanting to open presents so we eventually joined him downstairs for breakfast . He was so excited and it felt so lovely to share this moment with them both. Such a shame Elinor was not there as well but I did get a text to wish me a lovely Christmas first thing and a beautiful present left under the Christmas tree for me.

We all did really well with the gifts, Jason was so thrilled with his new ipad and Bernie just adores anything I buy her... too gorgeous! I have been thoroughly spoilt and the en suite is now full of beautiful bath products, shower washes and fragrances... my kind of heaven!

I was actually very pleased with how the dinner turned out and I think Bernie was impressed as I had really gone to town with it. She says she adores my cooking anyway but she gave me extra kisses and cuddles after we had all finished... her way of showing me how grateful and impressed she is!

Bernie did all of the washing up while Jason dried and then she went upstairs to Skype Cameron and Charlotte.... when she came back down a while later she was beaming and said they had noticed her ring! She seemed very happy that they know we are getting married and was a little shy about it for the rest of the day... this side of her makes my heart expand... her beautiful... private self.

Haven't told Elinor yet.... didn't want to over a text... will tell her when she is back from her trip!

Jason was a right grump after we played Monopoly City with him in the afternoon... Bernie thrashed us both and he didn't like it one bit. The game was supposed to be FUN but he wasn't having it and was a sore loser!! He stomped off upstairs for a while... at least Bernie & I had some time to our selves then...

I made her watch It's a Wonderful Life and she sobbed all over my Christmas jumper!!! I managed to get her to stop blubbering when I got out her chocolate snowman and we shared it under the blanket on the sofa... I think it is one of my favourite Christmas Day's ever... nothing can beat Elinor's first Christmas as a baby but think it is my next favourite!

Jason eventually came downstairs for something to eat later on and apologised for his behaviour! I should think so!! Think he just wanted to watch the new Doctor Who episode!

Anyway... it was a truly gorgeous day and I will never forget it...

 

**Wednesday**

Both in work today and think I seriously need to lay off the festive treats... Bernie is such a bad influence... she can get away with eating what she likes and still looks like a model.

AAU thankfully not so busy... relieved as pretty exhausted after the weekend... we did go for drinks with Raf and Fletch after shift though which was lovely. Their Christmas sounded extremely chaotic but also lovely... the children all liked their gifts from Bernie & I so that was nice to hear.

The boys found out we are engaged and Fletch actually picked me up and spun me round... very embarrassing but kind of charming... Raf gave me a huge hug and they both seemed genuinely delighted! Bernie was at the bar at the time and must have wondered what was going on but when I explained when she returned to us she just smiled shyly and nodded.

She is staying with me every night at the moment... planning to ask her to move in with me on New Year's Eve... officially... planning a romantic evening just the two of us and I can't wait!!! 


	30. Chapter 30

**Friday (Day before New Year's Eve)**

So excited about tonight... I have planned a romantic quick trip to Cornwall over the weekend with Bernie so we can stay at the hotel where we want to get married! Was an impulsive idea but she thought it was incredibly sweet and is going to drive us down tonight after we finish at work! She says she doesn't mind driving in the dark and I can sleep... she is too lovely.

Ric said I owe him big time when I asked him for this huge favour to cover for me... Bernie was off anyway as loads of hours owing her but I will be doing Ric's late shifts as well as my own when we get back... totally worth it though!

The hotel looks really amazing and stylish... simple though and classy. Got work to get through first today but all packed and setting off as soon as we both finish later... Jason is all sorted and staying with Alan until Monday so I can relax and just enjoy spending the time with Bernie... total bliss.

 

**New Year's Eve**

Got down to Cornwall ok late last night... I fell asleep on the drive down but Bernie had said that was the plan anyway... she was fine to drive.

When we got there I checked we had the best room so we could test it out! Very nice :) we literally both fell into bed as soon as we got there and slept straight through until 9.30am this morning, weren't going to make breakfast so we got room service... much better anyway... we could take our time and stay in bed for a bit... it's very romantic here and we are going for a walk on the beach in a bit before having a lovely dinner here tonight to test out the finest foods they offer... going to dress up and indulge in the vintage wines!

Going to ask Bernie to move in with me later tonight so hopefully that will go well... nervous but she wants to marry me so think that is a good sign she will say yes!!

Had a lovely text from Jason this afternoon checking we were both ok and got there safely... had forgotten to text him late last night as couldn't keep my eyes open when we eventually arrived and just managed to pull on my pyjamas and cuddle up to Bernie before we drifted off to sleep. I wished him Happy New Year and he sent a smiley face text back!

I love the style of this place, Bernie seems to love it too, we had already paid a deposit for the wedding but I thought it would be nice to actually stay here and see for ourselves what it is like then if necessary we could change it but all looking very good so far...

 

**New Year's Day**

Wow... last night... she said yes!!! My head hurts and the room is spinning slightly this morning but all totally worth it... amazing night with Bernie... she is going to move in with me next weekend... we both have to work long shifts all next week so that is the first chance we will get and her landlord is so casual she thinks it will be fine to move out then.

Dinner was so wonderful and the food... exquisite! We had a four course meal and all fresh Cornish food. Bernie loves it here and I do too... it reminds us both of when we were children and taking family holidays on the Cornish beaches. Bernie used to come when her family were on breaks from military tours and she just loves the simpleness of the beach and just pottering about... it is so pretty here.

It made me think of holidays with mum and dad when I was a girl and paddling in the sea desperate to swim and so full of energy! It was very romantic yesterday afternoon to stroll along the edge of the sea together and share our childhood holiday stories. Bernie loved to chase her brother into the waves and they were both partial to the clotted cream ice creams here! It would have been nice to have a brother or sister to share my holidays with when I was a child... if only I had known then I actually did have a sister...

It was very cold when we sat on some rocks to look out to sea at one point, Bernie went quiet and I could tell she was feeling emotional... she misses her parents and her brother is still in the army so hardly ever gets to see him. I reached for her hand and we just sat there quietly until I offered to go and get her an ice cream which she grinned at and I made sure I got her a clotted cream one which she loved!

We have a meeting first thing in the morning with the hotel manager who looks after weddings here and we can go through what we would like a bit more. The hotel has a health club so we may check that out later... who am I kidding... Bernie will check it out and think I may take a nap... far too much to drink last night... ended up getting a bit tipsy before I asked her to move in with me as felt really nervous!!!

It was such a special moment though and we celebrated with champagne at midnight and went back to the room and yes well... :) :) totally amazing as always!

So very happy and to start the year with Bernie was and is... magical... she is my life and I am so extremely lucky to have met and to have fallen in love with her...


	31. Chapter 31

**Monday**

Exhausted tonight after long journey, Bernie drove again, she said she didn't mind, still very kind of her though and really appreciated...

Managed a meeting with the hotel manager this morning over breakfast and arranged what we would like for the wedding. We want it very simple and low key but personal to us. Feels exciting! Had one more beach walk before we left... reluctantly... work calling us both this week and I will be working late everyday as Ric covered for me this weekend!!

Bernie staying tonight... she says she doesn't have much to pack at the flat so will go back tomorrow evening when I am working late and try and get it all done and the cleaning in two evenings. The landlord has said she can officially vacate on Saturday so she can hand the keys back then or perhaps Friday if she is finished... the sooner she moves in the better! I can't wait for her to be here all of the time... can't get enough of her...

Stopped for a quick dinner on the way back at a lovely vintage inn so just going to collapse into bed and sleep... extremely busy week ahead!! Just want to curl up with Bernie and sleep... Jason back tomorrow.

 

**Wednesday**

Work has been so hectic and barely seen Bernie with her sorting out the move. She has been working too but one of us has either been in theatre or in the office... not much opportunity to work together. Doing all the late shifts as well is exhausting!! Was completely worth it for last weekend though. Bernie... I miss her... I hope we get some alone time tomorrow!!

Collapsed on the sofa with a glass of wine and a Marks & Spencer's ready meal... totally knackered!! Just had a call from Bernie who has more or less finished packing her stuff up and is heading to bed at her flat shortly... she said she had a phone call from Alex's sister tonight... yes that Alex...

Apparently Alex isn't very well and her sister wants Bernie to visit... I feel... not sure...

Bernie I think wants to go and asked me if I will go with her but don't think it is my place... need more details... I know what the feeling is now... worry...

Alex lives in London with her sister and I don't think her and Bernie have been in touch for months... well I don't think so anyway... Bernie tried to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about but... Alex knows Bernie like I do... she... knows her intimately and that makes me feel... jealous.

Don't think I will go... Bernie needs to do this by herself I think... don't want to get in the way... will have a think though, she may want my support and I would do anything for her even though it would make me uncomfortable. I love her so very much...

 

**Friday**

Bernie has moved her things in tonight... work been so very busy but have agreed to go with her to London to see Alex tomorrow and feel very nervous. I don't know much about her just bits about their relationship and that she now has Leukaemia and is having treatment....

I know they left things that Bernie would go and find her when she had sorted her life out a while back but she never did contact her. Bernie says it was because she was getting closer to me and falling for me... I feel on edge and uncomfortable but will support Bernie... I love her with all my heart and she keeps reassuring me that it is me she loves and is in love with and wants to marry...

We haven't got time to unpack Bernie's boxes tonight... hopefully on Sunday when we get back from London. We are staying at a hotel nearby and have to be back for work on Monday... both needed and really can't take anymore time off right now!!

Bernie is asleep now after we held each other tightly for a bit and I stroked her back. I can't sleep... tomorrow I am meeting a former love of Bernie's and I don't know what to do with my feelings about it. What if Alex wants her back... I couldn't cope with that... Bernie is mine and my soul mate... my life... always 


	32. Chapter 32

**Saturday**

Sat in a really fancy coffee shop in Covent Garden just passing the time while Bernie goes to visit Alex. Not sure what to do with myself...

We took the train this morning which was eventful in itself... it was pretty packed and the girl sat with us wasn't feeling well... think she was so grateful to be sitting next to two doctors! Bernie got her some water and worked out she was just dehydrated and hadn't eaten for a while. She was getting off at the same stop as us so we made sure she met up with her friend ok before working out how to head for St. Thomas' hospital where Alex is in at the moment for treatment. 

Bernie asked me to go with her but it isn't my place today which she understood. Said I would keep myself occupied while she did an initial visit and then if she still wanted me too I would visit with her tomorrow. She hugged me very tightly and said she loved me thanking me for coming with her. I said to take her time and I would be fine having a look round the shops to which she got her credit card out of her bag and said to treat myself to something for the wedding which was totally unnecessary but very sweet of her.

London is hectic and vibrant but it's nice to just sit and lose myself for a while in the crowd. I am feeling worried about Bernie seeing Alex.... what if past feelings resurface... she can't know that they won't... she loved this woman once and I am sat here thinking... ok... the worst case scenario and how I would cope...

What are you thinking Serena... Bernie loves you and wants to get married to you... going to have a large, indulgent slice of cake... much needed.

At the hotel now and checked in for us. Bernie is still at the hospital... I got a text from her saying she would be back around 6pm. I did wander round the beautiful, classy shops for wedding outfit ideas but didn't get anything. Think I have decided what I may wear but would want Bernie's opinion and maybe Elinor's... saw a gorgeous, simple, cream shift dress which looked elegant with a fancier cream jacket to wear over the top which looked rather lovely... pricey but would be kind of perfect. Think I may see what Bernie thinks of it...

The hotel room is very nice but I am missing Bernie now and making a cup of tea... my mind keeps drifting to Dom's description of Alex when I asked him a while ago what she had been like... tall, slim, a lot younger... basically nothing like me. He did say in his opinion I was prettier which was sweet but that doesn't mean much does it coming from a gay man!! Anyway... isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that... going to try and relax for a bit so when Bernie arrives she doesn't pick up on how anxious I am...

 

**Sunday**

Bernie is in the bath back at home now so thought I would write down what has happened since yesterday when she got to the hotel room... it helps me to make sense of things... in my head...

She said straight away that Alex was responding well to treatment and it was good to see her. She had told her about us and she seemed pleased for Bernie... hopefully this is the truth. I know that Bernie cared deeply for her once so I have to be ok with this... that Bernie will be a part of her life again now... after this has happened. I met Alex very briefly this afternoon and she seems lovely... she would wouldn't she...

She shook my hand and we looked at each other... it was a strange feeling... she looked very pale but seems to be doing well considering. Her sister was there with us and Bernie sat down at her bedside catching up with them some more. She had said yesterday to them that we are getting married and how happy she is. Not going to lie it was completely awkward but I did it for Bernie. 

Sent a text to Elinor on the train journey home, looking forward to catching up with her at some point this week. I told her where Bernie and I had been as well as why and she texted back that I had nothing to worry about... she could tell Bernie is (and I quote) 'crazy about me'.... thought that was sweet of her to say.

Far too tired to cook when got back earlier so we got fish and chips with Jason and then when he went to call Alan... Bernie and I came upstairs and just cuddled on the bed for a while. I didn't ask her anything about Alex or how she had felt but she stroked my cheek lovingly and looked deeply into my eyes which made me shiver and said that I must really love her to do what I did this weekend. I told her I do love her... with all my heart... and she smiled her gorgeous smile and leaned her forehead against mine and pulled me closer.

She opened up to me saying it was nice to see Alex and visit her after hearing what she is going through but... she felt nothing AT ALL and I was not to worry AT ALL. She said 'How could I feel anything for ANYONE else when I am so completely in love with you Serena...'. Had to admit to her that I had been a little worried and she pulled me even closer kissing my neck and letting her lips trace the edge of my knitted cardigan removing it and grasping my hips in the process laying me back on the sheets and then laying slightly on top of me practically kissing the life out of me... I got the message and she grinned.

She said if it was ok with me... and only if it is ok... that she would like to check up on Alex every few weeks by text or phone call as she is hoping she gets better quickly and wants to provide some sort of support to someone who saved her life once and was... apart from anything else... her friend. I said it was fine and told her about the outfit I had seen as a 'maybe' for the wedding... she made me show her online immediately and thought it would look 'stunning'... her words.

When she comes out of the bath shortly I want to hold her so tightly and curl into her side like we do... stroking her beautiful face and making sure she knows how much she means to me. I can't wait to marry her and now that she has moved in we can fall asleep wrapped up in each other every night... that makes me feel so happy. Her boxes are in the office and need unpacking this week... when we get the chance... work will be so very busy but the most important thing is that she is here... with me... and we have such lovely plans!! Must spend some time with Jason this week too when I can... I feel he thinks he is being slightly neglected and wouldn't want him to feel like that for anything.

Going to go and make Bernie and I some camomile tea to help us sleep... hope she hurries up out of the bath... missing her!!!


	33. Chapter 33

**Wednesday**

Last night Bernie and I invited the kids round for dinner to catch up after their trips away... was really lovely to see them and hear about their exciting adventures... oh to be young again! Although quite partial to this time in my fifties where I feel as if I have come alive again... meeting and falling in love with Bernie... she has honestly changed my whole life.

Charlotte and Cameron had a fantastic trip with Marcus and shared some photo's with us of the sights they had seen... looked really fabulous!

Elinor... well... I have no words... she announced during dessert that she is seeing someone which initially I was over the moon to hear... of course I want her to be happy! But... this man is twice her age!!! I know I should not judge who she falls for... who am I to have a say when I wanted her to accept Bernie immediately... but she met this man online and has only met him twice and now she says she is in love... she missed him too much while she was on holiday and now he is coming to stay with her at university for a while and she wants me to meet him... oh god...

Bernie tried to calm me down a bit when we were in bed after they had all gone home. Don't know why I was worked up really but guess I am worried what she is getting in to here as he has a four year old daughter and well... she doesn't really know that much about him at all...

Bernie just held me close and stroked my hair to calm me down and let me just poor out all my concerns to her... she is truly wonderful... what did I do to deserve her... really... I know it took fifty years to find her but wow... now we are living together and planning our wedding it feels like this is my time and her time... our future... when she holds me to her chest so lovingly my heart just melts and we feel like we are in our own special universe... cheesy but true!

Work is going to be very hectic for the next few days but Bernie and I are going shopping for a new bed tomorrow evening... exciting! Now she has moved in I want her to feel as comfortable as possible and know this mattress is not the best for her poor back... also we are going to a wedding fair at the weekend... I know... I never thought I would be going to one of those... again!!! Sounds truly lovely though...

 

**Thursday**

Bought a swanky new bed and almost bankrupted us both in the process... totally worth it though... it is sooo comfortable we will never want to leave it.... not a problem! ;)

Work was beyond chaos with far too many patients admitted today and then Jason was in a strop tonight as I was too tired to make 'Thursday night's dinner' so we picked up Chinese on the way home which he wasn't prepared for... I thought he was getting better at last minute changes of plans but this week he feels quite stressed. Sat and spoke with him about his worries and he seems a bit happier... think things are changing a lot for him with Bernie moving in and we have been away for a few weekends lately.

Will make sure I spend lots of time with him over the next few weeks... Bernie completely understands how he likes to feel security and routine... she is too wonderful...

Bernie got a text tonight from Alex which she showed me... she didn't have to do that but she says she doesn't want me to feel insecure. Treatment is working well and she is out of hospital now and recovering for a few weeks, it was just to inform Bernie with how she is doing. I feel ok about it... Bernie is so reassuring and well she showed me in the most amazing way an hour ago just how in love with me she is which always takes my breath away... she is so attentive... my body just responds so readily to even the smallest move and touch from her... it truly is incredible... she definitely has a magic touch! 

 

**Friday**

Oh god... think Jason heard Bernie and I last night... in bed... he hasn't said anything just keeps giving me a look and come to think of it I was quite loud forgetting in the moment that we weren't alone in the house. I am beyond embarrassed and need to disappear... seriously... poor Jason!

Had a bit of extra help on AAU today which has lightened the load a little... Dom came down for a few hours and Bernie was in her element working closely with him... I know how well they get on.

Looking forward to the wedding fair tomorrow... need to find inspiration for flowers and a cake... also Bernie is still not sure what she wants to wear... have definitely decided on the cream shift dress and jacket for myself just need to order it to see if it looks nice on.

Elinor sent me a text photo of her 'new love' and I am shocked... I know I shouldn't be but... he looks as old as Edward!!! I am not too happy about this relationship... but I have no right to say anything... love is love and if she is happy then I will support it... just... he needs to be good enough for her... she wants me to meet him... I replied that she should set up lunch and I will be there. She would like Bernie to come too but Bernie gave me a look when I asked her which screamed... 'please don't make me I would be so uncomfortable' so will have to see....


	34. Chapter 34

**Sunday**

Just got back from a night away in London and the wedding fair that Bernie had kindly booked tickets for. It has been so lovely and well worth going... so much to look at!!

Surprised Bernie by booking a night away for us at the Hilton as converted all my reward points so technically got it free... bargain as such a beautiful room! Well worth staying over as we were both really knackered after looking round at all the stalls and watching some of the catwalk shows.... which Bernie found absolutely hilarious after a couple of glasses of champagne that were being handed out. She kept whispering funny comments to me which were actually pretty loud and leaning her head on my shoulder looking at me through her adorable fringe and giving me those secret 'love eyes' that are kept just for me. 

Actually found the people at the fair that we would like to make our wedding cake... Bernie really hates fruit cake so have decided to go for a classy light sponge cake with real flowers on... spring flowers... her favourite. We tried quite a few samples and decided on the perfect one for us... not too big or small... just perfect for our intimate family wedding. It is truly delicious cake and they have a branch of their business in Cornwall which is perfect!!

From it not really being her thing and getting the tickets because I would like it... Bernie was surprisingly on board with looking round and sampling things! She looked at some potential outfits for herself... eventually deciding on some wide leg floaty trousers in a lovely caramel colour with a fitted dressy cream shirt... she will look absolutely stunning. The thought of her wearing something so gorgeous and to show off her gorgeous figure is alluring... I wanted to drag her straight to our hotel bedroom but this was early in the afternoon so we had to make do with a quick snog in one of the changing areas where she was trying things on... quite hot!! She looked so beautiful...

We decided that we don't need any invitations printed as we have already asked Cam, Charlotte, Elinor and Jason to attend which they were thrilled about and fully support our decision to get married which feels so lovely. We think we will invite our close colleagues and one or two friends each down to Cornwall to join us for a meal the next day at lunchtime. I don't suppose some will be able to come but I think they will like to be asked and it would be so lovely if some of them could make it. We could decorate the hotel restaurant... thinking of cream with another colour but we haven't decided on that yet. The restaurant at the hotel does such exquisite food we are sure it will all be gorgeous!!

I think we will order the flowers from a local florist down there... we saw some truly amazing displays yesterday which looked wonderful and certainly gave us some lovely ideas.

As for drinks... plenty of alcohol of course... I think our children will be horrified but it is a party! Well... a celebration... Bernie doesn't like parties and I don't want her to be intimated at her own wedding. She reached for my hand yesterday and whispered that she just wants to be with me on the evening of our wedding and... well she made me blush with what she said she wanted to do!!

After a gorgeous meal at a small bistro in the grounds of the fair at Olympia... we went to the hotel and curled up together in our room. Bernie wanted a quick shower first which left me time to read the brochures we picked up while lounging on the bed with snacks! She came out of the bathroom with that look in her eye which means only one thing... she wants to ravish me... certainly didn't complain... we spent ages just wrapped up in each other and in between the crisp white hotel sheets kissing and taking our time with each other... a luxury... no Jason around or just finished long shifts or stress.... just the two of us on a high from thinking about making the most important commitment to each other. 

Bernie fell asleep eventually with her head on my shoulder... naked... god... I couldn't get to sleep for ages... she is such a turn on... how can I sleep with her pulled close to me with no clothes on... she does things to me that I can't explain... I just hope that she feels that way about me even though my body feels heavier since we got together... all those delicious meals out, takeaway's and feeding each other chocolates on the sofa and in bed... my curves have got curvier... definitely.

She says my curvy body is one of the things she loves about me but instead of sexy womanly curves it just looks like flab... must get in shape before the wedding... my outfit is figure hugging and staring at her beautiful body while she slept last night reinforced to me that I need to get fitter... she is so toned and well... perfect... so beautiful and I think out of my league really...

Woke up in the early hours of this morning with her slightly on top of me which was bloody arousing... she woke suddenly and smiled down at me... her sexy shy smile which makes me melt and we... ahermm... yes went there again... totally... beautiful. She makes me actually melt with love and happiness...

Spent some of today looking round some of the amazing London shops... Bernie bought some new work clothes and I got a couple of new cook books to try and become a bit more adventurous in the kitchen. Maybe Jason will let me experiment a bit if I give him enough advance warning about what I will be cooking and when....

Bernie says she finds the fact that I 'can cook' incredibly sexy. I like to spoil and pamper her... it's really no trouble and we both like to eat well. Went for a posh pub lunch before driving back late afternoon and we got talking about potential honeymoon destinations... we both like travel and couldn't quite decide where to go. I fancy a cruise and Bernie said that sounded great... thinking we could visit several places we both want to go to... I just want to be with her... I don't mind where we go really... it is definitely true love. I picked the honeymoon when I married Edward, with Bernie I would go anywhere with her just to spend time together and that is the difference!

Going to fall asleep so happy tonight like always now...

 

**Wednesday**

Luckily work quieter today as met Elinor's new man tonight!! Well... not what I was expecting... at all... he seems... well... different to her previous boyfriends... maybe this one is for keeps??!

He was very polite and quite... what's the word...? Nerdy? That sounds quite mean but he was not what I was expecting at all. Elinor seems smitten and this man is quite... sensible... maybe he will calm her down a bit... her wild, vibrant side can get out of control at times... just hope he knows what he is letting himself in for. He was very polite to me and Bernie... Bernie said in the end she would stay in to meet him. I cooked... one of my new recipes which went down well. Jason was out so it was just the four of us. This chap is an accountant... again not what I was expecting!!!

Told them both about the wedding fair and what we are planning and Elinor seems on board with her old mother getting married... and to a woman... the scandal!! :)

I told her our ideas about what we are thinking about wearing and she actually approved!! Said they sounded elegant and classy and very 'us'.... whatever that means!! She knows we aren't the typical 'lesbian brides' - her words.... the sometimes stereotypical nonsense idea of one of us being the 'man'... where did that idea come from???? We are both women who like women now... that's the point... there isn't a man!! Can't believe I actually married a man once... yes... disaster and disappointment Edward Campbell! This is far more me... maybe being a 'lesbian' or falling for Bernie was in the stars for me all along... I just had to meet her... the right woman and everything fell into place.

Elinor actually asked me some personal questions after a few drinks while Bernie was washing up with Elinor's new man in the kitchen. She asked me about my sex life with Bernie which I was horrified about.... she grinned (she was quite tipsy!) and said she had heard us once and well... it sounded... 'all kinds of amazing'. I cleared my throat, said it was and got up to use the toilet going bright red in the process. My darling daughter just laughed and said 'good on me'... 'sex like that is worth hanging on to'.... what is she like!!! I blame Edward for those aspects of her personality!

Working lates for the rest of the week... urggghhh, still.... wedding plans on the brain.... not all bad :) :)


	35. Chapter 35

**Saturday**

Completely knackered today after a couple of late shifts... getting too bloody old for them!! Missed Bernie when she headed home each day so hardly seen her... we are making sure we have a 'date night' tomorrow... much needed... getting withdrawal symptoms!

Have come to the conclusion that I need to go on a diet... Bernie looks so god damn gorgeous and toned... slim and well... stunning and me... well... she could do better!!

Not really in the mood to go it alone so have looked up joining Slimming World... yes... me going to that! I need to have a plan to get slimmer. She keeps telling me she loves my curves and that my boobs are her favourite thing but... they are not what they were and because I have put the weight on they could definitely look better!

She also says she adores my bum but i'm not naive in that i'm sure she would prefer to grab hold of a more toned one! Her backside is the most amazingly firm one anyone could grab so mine needs work!

 

**Monday**

AAU chaos today... at least I was working with Bernie for most of the day. The wedding plans are coming along nicely... we have now ordered the flowers but are leaving the mix of them up to the florist nearer the time as long as they are 'Spring' spray colours we really don't mind.

Going to the local Slimming World meeting tomorrow evening... nervous... Bernie says i'm being ridiculous and she doesn't want me without curves. Not sure what to think as she grabbed me passionately last night and tried to make me see that she adores my body by exploring and kissing every last bit of it... yes it was... sensual and amazing... guessing I should trust her opinion but can't hurt to go along and see if I can pick up any tips...?

Jason has been going on and on about starting to write a blog... it's sweet of him to want to help other young people who have Asperger's so I am encouraging it... just hope he makes some nice friends in the process... that would be lovely. Also, he can be quite blunt and to the point so explained to him that he might want to be more 'friendly' as he is writing to which he gave me his 'cross' look so I left him to it!!

 

**Thursday**

Slimming World is not my thing... have decided... Bernie thought I was totally mad going along and again tried to make me see that she finds me beautiful. She said that if I lost a lot of weight then I wouldn't have a gorgeous bum to grab hold of or boobs to lose herself in... her words! I should listen to her i'm thinking... I want her to find me attractive!

Jason has finished his opening piece of writing for his blog and have to say it is good! He hasn't had many views yet but i'm hopeful it will increase his confidence and make him happy to write.

Fletch and Raf coming over tomorrow night for dinner... must remember to give Raf his birthday things from Bernie & I.

 

**Friday**

Dear god... why did Robbie have me in his phone as his emergency contact... we broke up so long ago and so much has happened since... he says he 'forgot' to change it to Lucy's but even so...

Completely embarrassing to get a call saying he was in hospital and could I go and see him... like what???  

Don't think his new squeeze Lucy was too impressed that she wasn't his go to person in case of emergency!! He seemed ok... Robbie... was awkward seeing him and then Bernie was in a bit of a sulk that I went to visit him. Her jealous side makes me secretly smile. She loves me and feels slightly threatened sometimes by other people when she really has no need to worry... at all.. she has me forever.

Took Jason to look for suits for the wedding... he has decided on navy and so has Cam... Bernie took him to have some mother... son... bonding time... that's what Cam called it!!

Can't wait to relax a bit this weekend... things seem to have been really busy!  


End file.
